You’re pregnant, emotional and dealing with a lot right now. All the mums understand. One minute you’re ready to rage at your partner for forgetting to unpack the dishwasher, and the next you’re a puddle of tears as you watch the latest episode of Home and Away.
Sure, sometimes your seesaw moods are irrational, but really you’re just pissed off and while you might not let every one of these below thoughts roll off your tongue, you can bet you’ve thought all of these at some point during the past nine months.
1. I hate you right now for drinking coffee/wine/my effing favourite cocktail
I know I’m just jealous but oh man, I feel prickly all over that you’re sipping that in front of me when you know I can’t have it. I can’t even imagine how good it tastes because everything tastes like metal to me right now. Hmm, maybe I can visualise pouring that wine glass all over your head (Hollywood style). Yep, that’s a bit better.
2. Keep your hands to yourself
No my belly is not public property and if you keep stroking it in that creepy way I will snap. Seriously people, just ask. And on that note, It’s a big fat ‘no’ if the person asking is that weird IT guy at work.
3. Just move will you!
I feel like a walking fridge and you are in my way. Everything is in my way right now. My desk is in the way of my enormous belly and I’m so impatient. So instead of saying, ‘excuse me’ and smiling politely as I squeeze past you, what I really want to do is knock you to the ground and walk all over you with my extra pregnancy weight.
4. Hands off that last sausage
Oh you did not just stab your fork into it? Can’t you see I’m eating for two? That sausage is MINE. Grrrr. Maybe I should stab you?
5. I hate you for sleeping
Hey husband I know you also have to work tomorrow and I have insomnia (again), but I swear to god if you so much as snore a decibel louder I will smother you with this pillow resting between my legs.
6. I will throw my phone at you for being a kill joy
If one more person tells me I can “kiss my sleep goodbye” and that I have “no idea how hard life is going to get when the baby comes” then I will throw my iPhone in its hard sparkly case at their face.
7. I will attack you for comparing my pregnancy experience
I look like a leopard with all these skin spots — no, make that a tiger with all these bloody stretch marks — but I also feel like a lion, and I will rip your head off if you continue to tell me my pregnant sister-in-law is currently radiating the most wonderful pregnancy glow without a single zit in sight. ROAR!