5 things not to say to someone going through IVF

Posted in IVF.

Going through IVF is stressful, emotional and exhausting. The rollercoaster ride has no obvious end and your life feels somewhat suspended in the air.

And then there are people to deal with too.

Unless they’ve been through it themselves, it’s hard for them to understand or empathise. They can only offer words of comfort, advice or, what they like to think of as, wisdom.

And sure, we get that. It’s kind of uncomfortable and a little bit awkward. But, still, there are some things that you just shouldn’t say to us IVF’ers.

Here are just some:

1. You need to relax

It’s really, really hard to relax when your life revolves around injections, scans, and raging hormones. Not to mention adhering to a militarily monitored timeline.

Countdown to hormone taking, to egg collection, to transfer, to pregnancy testing and countdown to the result. You get my drift, right?

So, excuse me if I’m not feeling all that relaxed.

1. Everything happens for a reason

No! Everything does not happen for a reason. If it did, I wouldn’t even be doing IVF. I would have fallen pregnant first time – the reason? I wanted a baby.

My losses and my failed transfers happened for many reasons, some of which can be explained by science, others which can’t.

But, being told that my losses or failed transfers happened for a reason, other than the factual ones, is not necessary. Thanks.

2. What will be will be

Kind of along the lines of ‘everything happens for a reason’, this suggests that I should accept whatever the outcome is. You know, like it’s fate.

Personally, I feel this remark is better suited to a situation where I’m not so emotionally and mentally invested.

A job interview perhaps, some exam results or even a friendly disagreement. IVF, not so much.

3. Have you tried … 

Yes, I have tried acupuncture, massage, meditation and every form of ‘may aid fertility’ product.

I have googled and tried ALL the things that other IVF’ers recommend. And yes, I have tried just accepting that I may not become a mummy.

Quite obviously, none of it’s worked. 

4. I know a friend who … 

We all know the story of a friend who fell pregnant after 394 attempts at IVF, or the couple who’d given up hope, only to conceive naturally. All I can say is good for them. That’s great!

However, it doesn’t help me to know this. Why? Because every individual couple and IVF experience is different.

I want to focus on my personal journey thanks, not theirs.

5. Kids aren’t the be-all and end-all

Sure, I can go on adult-only holidays, I can own a lovely house without sticky hand décor and I can sleep in for the rest of my life.

But I don’t want to. If I did, I wouldn’t be doing this. It’s hardly a run in the park!

To me being a parent is the most important thing right now. So, don’t take that away from me, now or ever.


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