Pissed Off Thoughts All Pregnant Women Have

Anyone who says pregnancy is all about glowing skin, baby kicking, and nesting energy hasn’t been through the third trimester during a heatwave, while fighting acid reflux, and crying at a cereal commercial.

It’s a beautiful thing, but pregnancy can be a very difficult time. You’re doing amazing things with your body, but you are also running on little sleep, high emotions, and about 10,000 hormones. Your patience is gone, your fuse is as short as your breath when you climb the stairs and your ability to stay calm while your partner chews too loudly hangs by a thin thread.

What is the truth? If you claim that you don’t have any seriously angry thoughts, then you are either lying or a unicorn. Let’s open up the rage room in every pregnant woman’s mind. Not to vent (okay, maybe a little), just to laugh and relate. And to remind ourselves that we are not alone.

1. “I am angry with you for drinking wine/coffee/my favourite cocktail”

You are not at fault. You did nothing wrong. Sipping your chilled Sauvignon Blanc or oat-milk latte, you act like nothing is wrong. But I cannot have any. Even a small cup is not allowed. You’re smugly oblivious while I pretend that my warm decaf coffee is satisfying.

Please understand: I am not angry with you. I’m angry at the circumstances. It helps a little if I imagine tipping the glass of wine over your head, in true Real Housewives style.

2. “Keep Your Hands to Yourself.”

Amazingly, my belly is now bigger than my boobs. It’s true, babies are adorable. Do not touch the bump unless you are my doctor, partner or one of my three trusted people. Not without asking.

It’s an odd phenomenon that makes your pregnant body public property. Strangers at the supermarket? They want to touch. This co-worker that you barely know? She believes it is okay to rub her belly as if it were a lucky charm. It’s not okay. It makes me feel as if I’m a tourist attraction. Please, no bump-rubbing until I ask for it.

3. “Just get up and move!”

I’m slower. I waddle. My centre of gravity is near my knees. My bladder has been under constant pressure for months. I haven’t even seen my feet. When you stand in the middle of the aisle of the shop, scrolling your phone slowly, or blocking the aisle, I’m going to be annoyed. CANNOT. HANDLE. IT.

In my head? I’m shoving you aside like a linebacker. I cleared the way as if I were storming into battle. In reality, even though I am still polite and gritting my teeth to say “excuse” (just barely), in the end, it’s not enough. Please move. The anger is real.

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4. “Hands Off That Last Sausage”

It’s important to understand: This baby is hungry, but I am also eating for two. My cravings are sacred. You didn’t make me spend the morning craving something, only to have your fork dive into it with no remorse. Are you trying to start a conflict?

In pregnancy, food obsession reaches new heights. It’s not rational. It’s primal. This sausage is mine. This mango smoothie is mine. Mine. What’s the last piece of garlic toast? It’s mine too. Then I’ll remember it forever.

5. “I don’t like you because you sleep.”

Dear partner/husband/unsuspecting snorer: I know you’re tired too. I know you’re tired. If you do it again and start snoring softly like a puppy, while I am staring up at the ceiling and rearranging my pregnant pillow for the 1000th time, trying not to pee, I will cover you with the same pillow. Of course, I mean it with love.

You may feel a little feral when you are suffering from pregnancy insomnia. Your body tells you that it needs rest, but it’s all let’s stay awake and be wildly uncomfortable!

You’re lucky to get a nap! comments. Comment: I’m not fortunate. I’m exhausted. There is a difference.

6. “I will throw my phone at you for being a killjoy.”

I am excited about the baby. No, you don’t need to tell me that I will be tired, “never sleep again”, or that my life is going to change forever, and I “have no idea what’s ahead.”

Oh, really? I am carrying a human in my uterus, and I go to weekly appointments at which they poke and prod like a scientist. I believe that I have some idea.

If I hear one more person say that condescending “just wait…” line, then I will gently toss my phone their way. Gently. Probably.

7. “Don’t you dare compare my pregnancy to someone else’s.”

She had a beautiful glow during pregnancy! “She didn’t get a single pimple or stretch marks!”

Cool. My skin is covered with hormonal acne and feels stretched more than cling film. I also have stretch marks.

Everyone’s pregnancy is unique. Comparing mine with someone else’s pregnancy is not helpful and, quite frankly, dangerous to your health. I’m doing my best. I’ve earned my tiger stripes hard. If you want to keep your sanity, don’t tell how “easy” it was for someone else.

8. “Stop acting like I’m fragile, but also stop ignoring that I’m pregnant.”

Isn’t there a fine line? The next minute, you’re treated like a fragile glass ornament (“Don’t lift that!”). Do not walk too far. Sit down !”), Then they’ll expect you to do errands and cook dinner while you have a watermelon on your midsection.

I don’t like being babied. Also? It would be nice to have a little help. It would be nice to have a seat on the bus. A cup of coffee without me asking. Foot rubs without my asking. Balance, people!

9. No, you can’t comment.” No, you can’t comment.”

It’s hard to name a child. It’s a deeply personal thing. If you aren’t sincere in your encouragement, please don’t bother.

If one more person tells me, “Oh, you’re calling that?” Or “That reminds me of someone I hated back in high school”, I will scream. Smile, nod and keep all negative associations to yourself.

No, I will not announce the name too early so that you can give your input. This is not a group effort.

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10. “I swear by God, if you tell one more joke about me waddling …”

Yes, I waddle. Yes, I grunt as I stand up. It’s not funny if you compare me to a penguin or walrus. My body is working overtime to grow new life. It’s not cute. It’s heroic.

Next time I need assistance getting out of my chair or grunting while putting on shoes, please don’t make fun. Please help. At least don’t comment.

The emotional whiplash is real

The thing that no one tells you about pregnancy is: you feel everything at once. You’re happy. You’re terrified. You’re grateful. You’re enraged. You’re confident. You’re insecure. All in the space of one hour, or let’s face it, just a single commercial.

You cry when you watch videos of dogs. You get angry at the laundry basket. You love the little kicks you feel inside and then yell out at your dog because he sheds too much fur on your maternity pants. It’s normal, chaotic and messy.

If you are pregnant and feel like a ticking bomb in stretchy pants, then take comfort that you are not alone. All women who have carried a baby will experience some or all of these emotions. You are doing something incredible. You are growing a person. Yes, it is okay to get angry sometimes.

A Message for Partners, Friends and Well-Meaning Unknowns

We love you. We appreciate you. Please understand that we need empathy right now and not eye rolls. We need snacks and not sarcasm. We need to see, be supported and sometimes left alone.

You want to help me? Offer to sit down. Bring us some ice cream. Do not tell us that we are tired or compare us with other women. Say “You’re doing fantastic”, even if we are rage-crying about a dropped sock that we can’t find.

The pregnancy is only temporary. What about the emotional rollercoaster that comes with pregnancy? That’s real. Let’s not be afraid to get angry. We have earned it.

Final Thoughts

I understand all pregnant women who are feeling frustrated, angry, exhausted, or irrational. You’re not insane. You are not a jerk. You’re not mean. You’re doing a great job.

Allow yourself to feel everything, even the anger, the petty things and the ridiculous things. Later, laugh at them (preferably over snacks). One day, you will look back on your current situation and realise how strong you are, even if fantasies of smothering a partner with a cushion were entertained.