“Have a baby,” they said. “It’ll be beautiful!” they said. There’s no doubt whatsoever that it is beautiful, but parenthood also comes with some harrowing activities that many of us had never anticipated. #SendHelp
10 gross things you’ll do to earn your parent stripes
1. Picking a winner
Perhaps you’ve been here? Knowing your baby’s stuffed-up and snottily bothered, so you bravely step in to relieve their congestion and pick their nose? So selfless. So gross.
2. Wiping someone else’s bum
You kind of knew this was a thing before you had a baby, but it was hard to fathom just how often – and how thoroughly – this would roll out. #BumsRUs (Related: wiping someone else’s poop-covered back. And leg. And arm. And neck. And nostril. And ear. And how did it even get everywhere?!!!)
Read more about the highs and lows of parenting:
- Kids are sharing TMI about body parts and we think it’s hilarious
- Parents share deals they’ve cut with their preschoolers and we understand
- Uncovered! The painful world of parents who hate Peppa Pig
3. Catching vomit in your mouth
Near on every single parent experiences the very spewy result of feeding a baby and then delightedly whizzing them above your face for some joyful chatter. Just the once. *purses lips tightly*
4. Sleeping in a puddle of someone else’s pee
You said you’d never co-sleep, but it’s near impossible not to zonk out alongside your equally tuckered-out baby, later waking in a soggy pond of baby origin.
5. Assisting a very hands-on, explicit downward dog
One of our Babyology team reminded us of this advanced nude-kid-meets-rash-cream junior yoga move -and we shuddered a little in recognition. #NSFW #WeveSeenTooMuch
6. Performing hankie panky
If you haven’t licked a hankie and wiped it on a small human’s face, are you even a parent?
7. Shining a light
Perhaps deep into mouths to check for inflamed tonsils or at the other end, hunting for the source of an itchy bottom? Torches are useful in gross new ways when you’re a mum or dad. #TMI
8. Poop doula-ing
As one Babyology writer confided, trying to coax a long-awaited poop from your distressed, constipated toddler is possibly something you didn’t realise you’d signed up for. #ReadTheFinePrint #halp
9. Eating something a baby has already eaten
You knew that germs would be communal when you became a parent, but faced with the kind offer of sharing a very slobbery lollipop with your generous toddler, it all got very real, very quickly. Gulp.
10. Toilet fishing
At some point in your life, your child is going to PLOP something into the toilet that you’ll need to retrieve. Perhaps the toilet was clean and flushed. Often it wasn’t. Either way, it’s more of a chuck-it list than a bucket list. Ugh.
Oh dear Lord. Lucky parenting is so rewarding and kids are so cute, right? How many of these achievements have you unlocked?
