7 ultimate mum fantasies (and there’s nothing sexy about them!)

woman daydreaming

Do you remember what you fantasised about BC (before children)? I do, and it was pretty exciting stuff. And I am not just talking about the “seductive” variety, though Chris Hemsworth featured frequently. These days my fantasies are generally the G-rated variety, and Chris Hemsworth makes the occasional appearance. Fatherhood has made him even sexier! Remember when he baked that dinosaur cake for his 4-year-old daughter? It nearly broke the Internet. He sure knows how to work a whisk…

BC I fantasised about going to exotic locations, Sunday morning sleep ins, and donning some heels, lippie and heading out with my girlfriends for a night of flirtation and frivolity. And meeting George Clooney for a Nespresso at an airport lounge, in first class, of course!

Mum fantasies are vastly different

These days I fantasise about going to the loo by myself, or merely performing a domestic chore in silence. If I sound bitter it’s because I am: it’s been eight years since I finished a cup of coffee while it’s hot! And it’s bitter because the coffee has no milk in it (dairy intolerant baby, anyone?)

A quick poll of my friends confirms that it’s not just me that finds dispensing my own toilet paper a thrilling experience. Here are seven fantasies that mums of little ones share.

1. Between the sheets

The number one fantasy on every mum’s list lies “between the sheets”. How this one has changed. Forget Sunday shag sessions, the new mum’s ultimate fantasy is going to bed. To sleep.

2. The General Anaesthetic Sleep

Taking it one step further many mums fantasise about undergoing a general anaesthetic. One friend called this the “Sleep of the Dead”. I’ll admit I actually envied my five-year-old daughter recently when she went to hospital for a minor operation. The idea of being put into a deep sleep holds tremendous appeal to me right now (sleep allergic baby, anyone?)

3. Toilet time alone

Privacy and dignity are the first things to go when you become a mum. But there are some times when you don’t want an audience. Like going to the toilet. All of a sudden it’s a rotating door of:

  • Requests: “Can I watch Dora?”
  • Demands: “Mama, I’m hungry”
  • Observations: “Good job, that looks like a banana poo?”
  • Questions: “Where are you putting THAT Mama?”

Or it’s suddenly when they want to bond with you: “Mama, I need a cuddle” (can I finish emptying my bowels first?!) 

4. The Operation Fantasy

Many mums openly admit they fantasise about needing an operation so they can go to hospital and get away from their kids. Can you imagine having a single room, to sleep, read, watch TV and be served three meals a day? Food always tastes fabulous when someone else has cooked it. Even hospital food.

5. The Holiday Fantasy *

Imagine this: You wake up in the morning and your husband surprises you by saying, “Morning gorgeous. You are such a wonderful mum and wife and you need a break. I’ve packed your bags. Your plane leaves for Bali in a few hours. We’ll be fine here. You deserve this.”

woman-standing-on-painting

6. An entire day of Space

Close your eyes and fantasise, mamas. 24 hours of alone time. No laundry. No cooking. No refereeing. The house is quiet, very quiet. And at the end of this peaceful day, you go to bed. ALONE. And you sleep in darkness. No night-lights. No baby waking. No nocturnal visitors. Just the entire bed to your sweet self where you sleep soundly. The. Whole. Night. Through.

7. The kids eat dinner fantasy

It goes a little like this. You cook a meal. It’s a little adventurous, meaning it has three parsley leaves and a few vegetables. Your kids come into the kitchen and ask the familiar question of “What’s for dinner? Only this time they respond with: “Yum, that sounds nice.” You sit down to dinner and they eat it. The entire meal. They love it so much they forget to fight or whinge. They ask for seconds and at the end of the meal, they clear away the table and say, “Thanks for dinner, mum. It was delicious. Can we have that again?” #stuffofdreams

* If the holiday fantasy is too much of a stretch, replace with this: You wake up in the morning and your husband says: “Morning. I’ve done the school lunches and put a load of laundry on. And I promise I’ll be home on time tonight.”

What else would you add to this list? Care to share your ultimate fantasy?
Michaela Fox is a freelance writer, blogger and mother of three. She muses on the ups and downs of motherhood on her blog Not Another Slippery Dip, and believes in ‘good-enough’ parenting. You can also follow her on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram.

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