Parenting Mistakes that Leave a Permanent Mark
Today’s parenting is a maze of conflicting advice, opinions, and anxiety. You’ll be bombarded by tips for becoming a better parent if you scroll through social media or listen to podcasts. There are many: gentle parenting, attachment theory, digital detoxes, and positive reinforcement.
According to NYU professor and renowned social scientist Jonathan Haidt, we might be focusing on the small things and missing the bigger picture. Haidt, in his highly acclaimed The Coddling of the American Mind (co-authored with Greg Lukianoff), explains how the significant shifts in parenting standards, particularly in the U.S.
Haidt’s insights, while theoretical, are based on data, trends, and consequences that have been observed in the real world. They’re also raising a very serious question that every parent should ask: Do we raise fragile children in our quest to protect them?
What Went Wrong: The Rise of Overprotection
Haidt claims that the trend towards overprotection is one of the biggest changes in parenting today.
In North America and certain parts of Europe, parenting culture underwent a major transformation in the 1980s & 1990s. The media was flooded with stories of kidnappings, and the phrase stranger danger became commonplace. In response, parents–understandably fearful–began to limit their children’s independence, even in safe, familiar environments.
Haidt says that by the early 2000s, no child had been seen unaccompanied in America for so long. If a child were seen playing in a public park, parents could be arrested. “We overprotect our children and deny them the basic experiences of independence.”
Childhood activities that were once commonplace — riding a bike unsupervised, going to a friend’s house on foot, or playing for hours in the backyard — became rare and taboo. Parents began to supervise every interaction and cushion every possible fall. While this may seem like a loving gesture, it sends the message that you can’t trust yourself to navigate this world alone.
The Consequences of Fragility in Mental Health Crisis
It is now impossible to ignore the results of this culture shift.
In the early 2010s, psychologists and teachers began to notice something strange on college campuses. Gen Z students were showing signs that previous generations had not seen. They showed anxiety, emotional fragility, and an inability to cope with stress. Professors are being asked to implement trigger alerts before reading assignments and safety spaces to protect students from potentially disturbing ideas.
Haidt says, “These weren’t PTSD survivors.” These were normal students who reacted as if certain words or ideas would be traumatizing.
This generation–sheltered from risk, discomfort, and conflict for much of their early life–was entering adulthood unprepared to face it.
Haidt claims that these young people have more anxiety, are more fragile, a nd less resilient than previous generations. Not only are mental health professionals taking notice. Employers struggle to integrate workers who are easily overwhelmed or unable to take criticism.
Haidt warns that “by the time our children go to college, they are not ready for it.” “They are coming out very frail and not ready to enter the workforce.”
Social Media: The Great Amplifier
Haidt says that overprotection was the initial problem, but he also identified another huge mistake: exposing children to social media too early.
Unlike general screen time, which encompasses TV, video games, and digital learning, social media uniquely targets the psychological development of preteens and teenagers–especially girls.
Haidt says that the issue is not screens, but social media. It’s also for girls. When girls start using social media around the age of ten, eleven, or twelve, you’ll find that they have higher rates of depression and anxiety.
Platforms such as Instagram and TikTok are based on appearance-driven content, comparisons, and validation via likes. This can be devastating for young girls who are navigating puberty and identity. Social media usage has been linked to increased body dissatisfaction and bullying. It also increases anxiety, depression, self-harm, and self-harm.
Many kids receive their first smartphone, and by extension, access to social networks, before they complete primary school. Haidt believes this is a major factor in the mental illness epidemic that Gen Z faces today.
It’s Not Just Mum’s Fault: A Cultural Shift, Not a Personal Failing
The mother is often blamed when things go wrong for a child. Haidt says that this is unproductive and unfair.
He explains that “kids are influenced not by their parents, but by the norms of the community.” The norms in the community were a bit out of control during the 1990s. Kids got the message from parents and the media that the world was dangerous and someone would abduct them if they went outside.
It’s not an individual failure of parenting; it’s a failure of culture. Media, schools, governments, and parenting communities all have a role to play in spreading fear-based messages that undermine resilience in children.
Haidt stresses that mothers in particular should not bear this burden alone. He says, “I believe that this takes a great deal of the pressure off mothers. Usually, we blame the mother of a specific child.” “This is a community problem, and we all have to work together to raise strong kids.”
What Can We Do? What Can we do?
How do we change course? How can we change our parenting style from one that is based on fear to one that fosters independence, confidence, nd emotional strength?
Haidt suggests a few key changes:
1. Gradually Encourage Independence but With Intention
Allow your children to take small risks. Let them go to the corner shop. Let them climb a tree. Let them resolve minor conflicts with their friends without adult intervention.
The nonprofit organization, which offers guidance and research to parents who want to raise resilient children who are independent, is a great resource. The nonprofit organization offers parents, schools, and communities ideas on how to create a safe environment for children to regain confidence and independence
Haidt admits that it’s difficult to accomplish this task as a single parent or family. It’s easier to do this if your school provides some guidance or if a group of students agrees.
2. Delay Social Media Access
Haidt’s most useful advice is: Do not let your children use social media before they are at least 14-15 years old.
This does not mean that we should ignore all digital interactions. This means avoiding platforms that are designed for addictiveness, emotional manipulation, and can be toxic. He also suggests time budgeting to use social media to prevent it from spiraling into endless scrolling sessions.
Haidt says that if you don’t create a budget for your time, it’s an impossible battle. These devices were created by psychologists who understand how to keep kids on for 8 hours per day.
3. Create Tech-free Sleep Routines
One simple but powerful rule? Never use a device in the bedroom.
Researchers have consistently found that disturbed sleep patterns in teens are linked to mental health problems. Remove all screens (30 minutes or more) from your child’s bedroom at least 30 mins before bedtime. This will protect the brain during this critical phase of recovery.
Haidt warns, even if you think your child is “just checking something quickly”, notifications and blue lights can disrupt sleep and cause stress.
4. Normalize Struggle and Discomfort
We’ve been trained to protect our children from all negative emotions, but life is full of disappointments, conflicts, and discomfort. Haidt recommends teaching children how to deal with problems, rather than rushing to solve them.
Let them experience sadness. Let them deal with boredom. Losing at board games is fine, but don’t insist on a second game. All of these experiences are vital for children to develop emotional flexibility and grit.
The Pendulum is Starting to Swing
Haidt says that although we are still in the middle of a mental health crisis among youth, awareness is increasing, and with it comes hope for change.
He says he will try to convince the American Academy of Pediatrics that no one should use social media before they are 15 or 16. “We shouldn’t have 11-year-old kids on Instagram.”
While he does not believe that we have reached a tipping point in culture, he is seeing signs that suggest the pendulum may be starting to swing again. This is especially true as more parents and teachers begin to realize the harm that can come from overprotection or premature digital exposure.
Conclusion
Parenting is not about perfection, but about direction. We can change the course of events. We can create a resilient generation by promoting independence, setting healthy limits, delaying harmful technology, and prioritizing comfort over resilience.
You’ll likely find it difficult at times. You’ll probably find it difficult.
