There’s a little bit of this mum in all of us – tired, emotional, stretched and desperate for a child-free weekend. Being the considerate partner she is, Meghan Maza Oeser decided to give her husband some handy hints for his weekend of solo parenting with their six kids.
Gems like not letting the threenager fall asleep in the afternoon (parenting 101 right there). Nod in agreement, and forward this one to your partners – there are some golden nuggets of advice in this Facebook post for every dad. It’s pure parenting gold.
A letter to my husband as I leave for girls' weekend…(Warning: foul language)Dearest Husband,I'm writing this to…
When he gets home from work
Yes, the kids will be terribly excited to see him, she explains, but that will soon wear off: “School season or not…this is also known as hell hour.”
There’s no getting around the dinnertime wrangle. Just who will eat what, and who will change their mind when they see what the others are eating is all part of the fun.
“Dinner will suck. Bailey will want pizza, while Harper will ask for hotdogs. Quinn will cry when you say the word hotdog, and will insist on Mac n cheese (but not the orange kind or the white kind, but the purple kind). We’ll be fresh out of the purple kind, so she’ll then ask for toast. You’ll already have started making mac n cheese for Penny, but since she heard Quinn ask for toast, she’ll also want that toast. You’ll end up tossing the Mac n cheese because Bailey got the stomach flu five years ago after eating the orange kind, and Harper prefers the white kind. You’ll also forget about Harper because her friend Lily “unexpectedly” stopped by, so they went ripsticking down the street. Everyone will eat cereal for dinner, and Lily will come inside for a bandaid.”
An incredibly dangerous time when the children are fed, and limping towards bedtime so may well sneak off to the land of Nod, thus knocking the edge off their weariness and prompting late-night antics.
“It will get quiet…REAL quiet. This is when you’ll realise that the threenager has fallen asleep somewhere. Do NOT let the threenager fall asleep. She will be wide awake until at least 1:30am if you’re not careful. Given your 9:30 bedtime and 5am wake up, this is less than ideal.”
Welcome to the nightly bedtime dance. It includes the nightgown waltz, the thirst-beyond-measure quickstep and the bed-hop tango.
“Don’t even ATTEMPT anything but a nightgown for Penny. And if you cannot find a nightgown for Penny, keep…looking. She’ll ask for her Minnie Mouse nightgown, but once you put it on, she’ll scream in agony because the sleeves are CLEARLY ripping her…arms off. Just find her Elsa one. Chances are, it’s dirty…but so what…so is she. I can’t remember the last time I put soap to that one.
“Quinn, Harper, and Bailey will go down seamlessly. Just wait. As they lie in their beds, they’ll then realise that their tiny mouths are on…fire, and they’ll act as if they’ve just walked 800…miles through the Sahara. They will come down…one by one…every god damned five minutes…for water. Don’t let ANYONE use Quinn’s pink Elsa cup.
“You’ll end up bringing Penny to bed with you, thinking that’s a good idea. Ha ha ha ha ha! You may as well sleep next to Evander Holyfield on uppers.”
Congratulations – you made it through the night! Meghan’s hot tip for her husband? Coffee. Lots and lots of coffee.
“You’ll need it. Penny might want cereal, or she’ll go for toast. Whatever you do…LET HER PICK HER SPOON. Chances are, Quinn will have the ULTIMATE spoon, and Penny will convince you that you’ve left her with the (worst) spoon in the bunch. Sometimes I’ll give her a fork, and then flip her off.”
The rest of the weekend
It’s basically a write-off. Meghan imparts her wisest piece of advice – don’t bother trying to get anything done.
“Quinn cries basically every five minutes, and you would think that Penny’s oesophagus was on certain fire every 4.5 seconds. She’ll need constant refills, which leads to more potty breaks. Sometimes she can go by herself, and sometimes she’s completely useless and will whine about everything. Including, but not limited to, her underwears feeling funny. Have backup underwears. Oh, and since you made me get rid of most every sippy cup, leaving me with two…she’ll lose those.”
Take a read for yourself, it’s pure hilarity. Bottoms up Meghan, we salute you and all mums!