Get ready to laugh! What do you get when you put together a crazy aunt, a laid-back brother, a boatload of unwanted baby junk and a Craigslist advertisement that may or may not have been written after a couple glasses of wine? The best thing you will read all day.
When “Candi Sassypants” posted her second-hand baby stuff on her local Craigslist in North Carolina, USA, all she wanted to do was offload the junk so “my offspring can have all the ridiculously expensive electronic gadgets they think Santa is bringing them for Christmas”.
However, her descriptions and stories that follow left us laughing out loud. Sure, she may not be the best choice for writing advertisements for products, but she certainly sells herself as one of the funniest mums we’ve ever come across!
She starts her advertisement with a brutally honest confession all aunties can relate to:
“My brother and his kids moved down here last year so I went aunt-crazy and bought so.much.stuff. I wanted that squishy little chunk of baby at my house all the time, so I acquired this trove of baby items to accommodate him.”
Then there is her promise that the items come from a “smoke-free pet-free home” which appears to be one of the standard requests when buying second hand stuff:
“Everything was used only part time and is relatively clean, from our smoke free, pet free home. (That’s only kind of a lie- my brother used to smoke a ton of pot but as far as I know he only did it in his girlfriend’s car. Also, we do have a turtle, but she was only on the booster chair one time and it was for a “turtle birthday party” which was my brother’s bright idea. I have thoroughly washed the booster chair since then.)”
So what is the mum trying to offload?
First off the charts she’s got a walker that comes with this classic description:
“Handy for those times when your baby is bored from sitting around doing nothing useful all afternoon and you feel like you really haven’t bashed your Achilles quite enough in the last few days and you’re jonesin for a fix.”
And the hilarity continues with this:
“A Pack n Play, which absolutely does *not* accommodate a 24-year-old heavily intoxicated man, so don’t bother trying. Babies sleep here just fine though.”
And then there is this description which turns into a hilarious rant over her brother’s antics.
“A spare car seat base for a Graco Snugride (Snug Ride?) which, hand to god this is a true story, does not include the actual car seat because aforementioned… brother strapped it to the back of his Schwinn cruiser to pick up a watermelon from Harris Teeter, got home, dismounted the bike, and promptly toppled the whole rig into the brick garage, spewing watermelon everywhere and staining the fabric. The base has never been in an accident because it’s always been in my car and thankfully my family only has room for one dumbass.”
Oh, but it’s not over yet. She’s also got a plastic rocking horse:
“..which has been ridden exactly one time by a guy I work with as he tried hitting on me by saying, “I ride many things well,” and giving me wiggly eyebrows, and has been ridden by the baby exactly zero times. (I have also ridden wiggly-eyebrows coworker exactly zero times if you care to keep count.)”
Her request for picks-ups is also quite possibly the best thing I have ever read.
“I’m in the Pine Valley area, email with questions. I’m available after 3:15 pm weekdays, but my approximate window of sobriety is only about 4.5 hours long, so no texts past 8.”
Her posts have caused quite the stir as the seller admits she is receiving texts at all hours of the day. Here’s hoping she manages to sell the baby junk in the process of making us all laugh out loud.