The hilarious Gumtree bassinet ad all new parents need to read

When you’re expecting a new baby, browsing on Gumtree for baby goods becomes a regular evening activity. And when you stumble across an ad like this gem, well, you pretty much have to share it, right?

This, mums, dads and parents-to-be, is what Gumtree is all about. I mean, who wouldn’t want to buy this 100+ year old bassinet, perfect for holding man-babies or creepy dolls? Hurry, this offer won’t last long!

New mum, Kobie, our new favourite Gumtree advertiser, is a mum on a mission. She is hoping someone shares her love of old junk and will buy this ancient bassinet off her, so she can afford a haircut. She posted her pre-loved treasure this weekend with a few accompanying photos and the best write-up ever.

baby junk cradle1

Kobie, who is from Western Australia, starts off her ad by adding an element of historical value to her whimsical piece of wicker crap:

“It was designed in a time when babies were men. Those man-babies didn’t need no comfy, flat, safe cradles to sleep in.”

However, she does prepare potential buyers for the unsafe standards: “The old-fashioned design of the bassinet is such that, upon seeing it, a Community Nurse will let out a squeal of dismay.”

The bassinet, which resembles a torture device, could be classified as pretty. However, Kobie advises, “Don’t look too close at the home-made liner and mattress cover. These were surprisingly expensive at $50 for fabric, and $3500 for the sewing machine, which somehow ended up in pieces on the living room floor after being thrown, stomped on, and then beaten into submission with an axe.” 

baby junk cradle3

But, perhaps the best part of her advertisement is her explanation of why in the world she bought the thing in the first place. And why she needs to sell it:

“Anyhow, we really need to sell this lovely bassinet that I bought in a whimsical moment in early pregnancy when I thought being pregnant would be a holy, other worldly experience and had images of myself, glowing and slim, dressed in long white flowing dresses whilst I rocked my angelic baby in a white, wicker cradle.

After getting fat, bloated, sweaty and flatulent, discovering babies only smelled nice depending on whether you sniffed them before or after a wee/ poo/ vomit/ washing between their fat rolls and finding that I was too busy feeding/ trying to get my baby to sleep to entertain fantasies of being a stunning Gaia Earth Mother I now need to sell so I can afford a haircut (easier than washing it at the moment).” 

Kobie does market to her target audience, however, who she believes are “middle-aged women who wander markets and festivals with their creepy life-like dolls in old, turn of the century prams.” 

baby junk cradle2

She also includes a few photos of her son, looking absolutely horrified as he lies in the thing. And then one of him covered in kisses, with the bassinet nowhere in sight. Because, why not?

Kobie does end with the perfect call to action, just to lure you in even more: “If you’re not convinced to buy it by now (but who wouldn’t be?), I’ll throw in another offer. If you pay $100 for it, I’ll throw in a bottle of wine and drink it with* you.”

“*for you, I’ll drink it for you.”

Sometimes, honesty is the best policy. And, surprisingly, someone has already made her an offer! So, everyone wins. An old woman gets her ancient cradle for her creepy doll baby and Kobie gets a bottle of wine and a haircut.

We love a happy ending. And we especially love it when mums aren’t afraid to tell it how it is. Check out our favourite Craigslist advertisement from a mum trying to sell a whole truckload of baby junk.

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