Okay, there’s something called a glitter bomb for your vagina and while fancy ladies might think this seems interesting, every mum in the universe is recoiling in horror and wondering WHY this is even a thing.
A company called Pretty Woman Inc is selling this special glitter-filled capsule. The idea is that you put it inside your vagina and it will dissolve and sprinkle glitter about the place when you have sex. Needless to say mums across the globe are not impressed. It’s making them itchy and they’re suddenly seeing glitter out of the corner of their eye/under the fridge/on the peanut butter sandwich they are cutting.
Let’s talk about the main red flags that are springing up for the glitter-averse re this product.
For starters, they are asking why they need to buy things from somewhere inspired by Julia Roberts’ thigh-booted character. Do they also sell those dresses with the ring where your belly button is? Books about women who get rescued by old rich men? Instructions on how to dry your Walkman out after it falls into the bubble bath? So many questions!
Mums are also asking exactly why you’d even want to emit glitter from your lady parts. (They have this look on their face – below – as they ask.) They’re picturing it and they just don’t understand what makes glittery hoo-haas seem like a good idea.
Many mums are also plumbing the depths of their memory, trying to recall what having sex even is now that there are kids in the house, if we’re being completely honest.
This is what that remembering looks like (below).
Searching, searching, is that it, maybe, um…
(Okay, okay. Maybe the last one is not true for all mums (you sassy thing! high five!) but the first two are real sticking points when it comes to pondering the whole sparkly hoo-ha surprise.)
We have other issues with the whole glitter capsule, truth be told, the MAIN one being that you shouldn’t put stuff like this in your vagina because your vagina does not LIKE stuff like this!
Also, imagine trying to explain your glittery emissions to your excited preschooler when they sight your candy-scented, leggy sparkle after a particularly saucy night. We all know you can never, ever truly remove glitter, no matter how hard you try. Just how many times can you tell your kiddo that thigh glitter is your fave thing? #StopTryingToLickMyLeg!!
And how about explaining to a male partner (if your preferred partner type is a male) that the crunchy enhancement you’ve snaffled via the Julia Roberts-inspired folk, who encouragingly refer to his temperament and penis like this – “When he looks down at his ‘Thing’ and sees it shining like it’s a 24K gold magic stick. It will be weird, but he won’t be mad!” – is perfectly safe and very stylish and fun?
It seems like a tricky endeavour. #HeWontBeMad?
“Add sparkle and flavour”
The folk behind the vagina glitter bomb (which is actually called Passion Dust) sing its praises, saying that their product not only looks quite pretty, it is candy flavoured too.
It’s unsettling and unclear why they’ve chosen to bundle up a five-year-old’s favourite things into this very grown-up product, but here’s what they DO say about these very special – “sparkalized” – surprises.
“PASSION DUST is a sparkalized capsule that is inserted into the vagina at least 1 hour prior to having sexual intercourse. As the capsules becomes increasingly warmed and moistened by the natural vaginal fluids it will begin to dissolve releasing the sparkling, candy flavored PASSION DUST inside of the capsule.”
“It’s only purpose is to add a sparkle and flavor to your natural vaginal fluids to make the experience of lovemaking that much more fun and enjoyable for you and your partner,” they further explain.
Who even knew?
We couldn’t find any clean up instructions for the Passion Dust on their website, but we’re guessing the usual approach of swearing, Dustbuster and tearing your hair out as you catch sight of glitter for the rest of your life may not be ideal (nor sexy)
Just a thought.
So what do you think? Would you ever sparkalize your insides, dear reader?