15 things that are off the table once you become a mum
Has having a baby changed you? Are you still the same person you were pre-kids? Here are 15 things that suggest you have made a slight detour into the world of adulting since becoming a parent.
It happens to the best of us, don’t worry. One day we wake up and realise that we are no longer the beer-drinking, festival attending, adventure-seeking individuals we once were. And why is that?
Because we have a more important job day in and day out. We are parents. So here are 15 things that are no longer part of our lives, but will always have a special place in our memories (most likely stored beside the halter tops, knee-high boots and Justin Timberlake posters).
1. Staying out all night
Up all night is a different thing entirely – because it’s usually in the company of a newborn or a sick child. And it’s usually unintentional.
2. Wearing high heels just for fun
Unless it is due to a function, a work-related situation or a fancy dress party, flats will suffice, thanks.
3. Taking an impromptu weekend away
This lack of planning can lead to seriously high levels of stress, especially when you’re in the middle of the freeway and in desperate need of a nappy that you forgot to pack during your hasty exit.
4. Going all day without yawning
Yeah. That’s probably never going to happen again.
Read more about parenting:
- Genius illustrator perfectly captures the secret life of couples
- There’s only one thing you REALLY have control over as a mum
- ‘I wish I knew that it was OK to hate the job of motherhood in that first year’
5. Indulging in excessive daytime drinking (that can easily escalate to all-night drinking)
Because this leads to a hungover weekend and a hungover weekend with a child is pretty much the equivalent to death.
6. Going to the beach to relax in the sun
Sun is replaced by shade. And relaxing with a book or a cocktail is replaced by attempting to stop your child from running to the water, taking off his hat or eating grubby sand.
7. Baking or cooking recipes with more than 10 ingredients
Because no one has time to browse through the markets for 45 ingredients every time they want to make something for dinner. Sorry, but if it can’t be made in 30 minutes or less (and preferably with five or fewer ingredients), then there isn’t any room for it in my kitchen.
8. Starting a movie after 10pm
Because there is simply no way you are actually going to stay awake to finish it.
9. Watching a family movie without having to pause it 10 times.
If your child is asking for popcorn, a drink, a snack, to pee, for you to wipe his bottom or for you to get up and put a blanket over him because clearly, he has lost the use of his arms during movie night, then you’re doing it right.
10. Enjoying warm beverages
One sip, yes. One full beverage that remains hot from the first sip to the last. Haha.
11. Doing star jumps
Unless your bladder is completely empty, it won’t end well.
12. Wearing an article of clothing that requires you to go braless.
Going out for dinner and drinks with friends? You probably want to wear a comfortable bra or suffer the wrath of the afterbirth breasts.
13. Using glassware between the hours of 7am and 7pm
If a child is awake and you attempt to drink out of a glass that is not made of plastic, then said glass will break. It’s the law. A child and glassware cannot be in the same room. Ever.
14. Enjoying a household with not a single item of dirty washing to do
If it’s not clothing, then it will be towels. Or bedsheets. Or tea towels.
15. And, finally, sleeping in
But you already knew this one!
Sure, we may give up a few things once we become parents but we gain so much more – the feeling of pride and accomplishment, even when exhausted; the joy of being the most important person in the world to someone; an understanding of what unconditional love means; and an appreciation for the little things in life, like a five-hour stint of sleep or two sips of hot coffee.
So cheers to all the mums and dads out there who have traded mojitos for milk bikkies, who have exchanged weekend festivals for birthday fairy floss and who have swapped prawn cocktails for sandwiches cut into triangles.
We may not party like it’s 1999 any more, but to our little ones, we will always be their favourite entertainment. Until they are teenagers, that is.
