10 Gross Milestones That Prove You’re All In
They said, “Have your baby.” They said, “It will be beautiful!”
It’s true, they weren’t mistaken. Becoming a parent changes your life, opens up your heart, and is deeply rewarding. What did they not say? It’s also disgusting. Like, bodily fluids-everywhere disgusting.
Parenthood is not for those who are weak-hearted. From snot explosions to smells that may be questionable to textures and smells, it’s not easy. You’ve probably already experienced some of these gross milestones, whether you’re an experienced parent or new to parenting. If not, then just wait. It’s coming.
Here’s an honest, lighthearted look at 10 horribly gross but surprisingly normal things parents do in the name of love, survival, and baby giggles. We’ll call them your Parents Gross-Out Badges Of Honor — and yes, they’re all things we are proud of.
1. How to Pick a Winner from Your Baby’s Nasal Trace
Let’s begin with a favorite. If you’ve ever literally picked your baby’s nose, congratulations–you’ve crossed into elite parenting territory.
You may have been desperate to get rid of their stuffy nose because they were unable to sleep or nurse. You may have tried the pinky-finger swipe or ( gasp ) even used your mouth to use a nasal aspirator because the bulb syringe had failed.
Gross? Oh, absolutely. What about the relief on those tiny faces? It’s worth it. Worth it.
2. Wiping Someone Else’s Bum Repeatedly, Thoroughly, and Without Flinging
Sure, you expected diaper changes. But nothing truly prepares you for the frequent, messy, borderline-scientific nature of poop clean-up.
This is the reality of everyday life. From the explosive nappies of newborns that defy the laws of physics, to the squirmy, feisty toddlers who have the mess squirm up their legs and backs or into crevices where they wouldn’t allow it, this is the daily reality. You do it like a pro.
If you have ever yelled out “DON’T GET ANYTHING”, mid-cleanup, while navigating through a biohazard area of poop.
3. Catching Vomit… In Your Mouth
Imagine this: you’ve just bottle-fed, or breast-fed, your milk-drunk, giggly baby. You smile up at them as you lift them into the air. Then, SPLAT.
Every parent has an “I got spewed upon” story. And most of them involve mouth-vomit interactions. You deserve to be compensated if you have ever accidentally caught your child’s vomit on your hands or in your mouth (even reflexively, so as not to let it hit the couch).
4. Sleeping in Someone Else’s Pee
You said that you would never sleep with someone else. It was 3:00 in the morning. Again. Again. You finally relented and pulled them into bed to cuddle.
You wake up in an eerie puddle. It’s no longer warm. It’s not yours.
Co-sleeping is often accompanied by bodily fluids. Once it happens, you become accustomed to it.
5. Assisting a Downward Dog that is Uncomfortably Hands-On
You’ll never forget this image: your toddler in full downward-facing dog, with his bum up in the air. Meanwhile, you are trying to apply nappy lotion on a rash that is hard to reach.
It’s intimate. It’s awkward. It’s just part of the job.
Parenting humility is the ultimate diaper duty. From spreading paste on delicate areas while getting karate kicked in the ribs to wiping folds that you never knew existed, diaper duties are the ultimate in parent humility.
6. Perform “Hankie Panky in Public”
Here’s an old classic. You’re on the go. You’re out and about. You don’t have any wipes. You have no tissues. No tissue.
What do you say? You lick the corner of your napkin or your thumb and wipe your face as if it were your job.
Unofficially, this iconic act is a rite of passage. It’s often performed without hesitation in public. After you’ve used a napkin as a facecloth, you are no longer who you were.
7. A Flashlight in… Everywhere
Now? You can use the flashlight on your phone to create flat-lays for Instagram and mood lighting. Now? Now?
You’ve now repurposed your phone light to perform gross-out diagnoses.
8. Poop Doula: Yes,
You’re a poop-doula now if you’ve ever whispered affirmations to a toddler who was having a hard time pooping, like “You’re great!” or “Just push just a little !”–congrats!
The underrated moment of parenting includes holding your child’s hand and squatting near them. Sometimes, you can even check the result to see if it is correct in terms of size, color, and triumph.
It’s also acceptable to cheer post-poop as if they had just run a marathon. They did it emotionally.
9. Eat Food that’s Already in Your Kid’s Mouth
We are not talking about the leftovers that they have on their plate. Active soggy, prechewed offerings.
You are handed a lollipop that has been half-licked. Or, they insist that you share their cracker with toddler drool. You nod and smile as you take a small bite, because refusing their generous gift would be cruel.
You’ve probably given up on your old notions about hygiene.
10. Toilet Fishing (aka The Parenting Olympics)
Your child will eventually drop a toy, or worse still, your phone, into the toilet.
Occasionally, the toilet has been freshly flushed. Often, it’s not. You’re doing it either way.
As a parent, you will experience many firsts. One of these is reaching into the cold, questionable bowl in a toilet with dread and determination. You’ll never talk about it. You will still remember.
Why Do Parents Willingly Do These Gross Things?
Parenting changes your tolerance. What used to make you gag now makes you sigh resignedly and reach for a baby wipe. It’s not because it’s not gross anymore–it’s because you love your child so much that your disgust completely overcomes.
You are not only their parent. You are their janitor and therapist. Sometimes, you’re even their human tissue.
You do this because you trust your child implicitly. And because, despite the chaos, mess, and pee puddles that you may encounter, you still know it is all worth it.
We’ve All Been There (and we’ll probably do it again tomorrow)
It’s a beautiful thing to be a parent. And exhausting. And exhausting. And revolting.
It’s strangely uplifting to know that all parents have caught vomit in their toilets or fished for it with their hands. We’ve all used our sleeves as tissues, wiped poop in unexpected places and eaten mashed bananas from the hands of chubby children.
These milestones may not be captured in baby albums, yet they are the most important. These are the funny, messy, and heartwarming moments that bind us as parents.
Conclusion
How many have you unlocked so far? You’re not the only one who is nodding, grimacing, and laughing all at once. You are part of the gritty real-life parents who will do anything to protect their children. Even if that means catching vomit on your bra or shining light on a child’s bum.
Parenting isn’t glamorous. It is beautiful and a bit disgusting. That’s how it should be.
When love is like wiping another person’s boogers with no blinking, then you are doing it right.
