It is not easy to explain death to a young child. Many children’s first loss is a loved one, and the death of their grandparent can be traumatic. This can be an emotionally charged and confusing time filled with sadness, questions and confusion. You may be dealing with grief yourself as a parent, caregiver or child. You may find yourself in a difficult situation, but with the right approach, you can help your child work through their grief.
[ez-toc]
Helping Young Children Process and Grieve
Every child grieves differently depending on their age, temperament, and relationship with the grandparent who passed away. Some may ask many questions, while others might become quiet or act out in unexpected ways. Understanding how to help your child grieve the death of a grandparent means recognising these individual responses and meeting them with empathy and patience. It’s important to create a safe space where your child feels comfortable expressing their emotions and asking questions about death. With gentle guidance, open communication, and meaningful rituals or routines, you can help your child navigate this difficult time while keeping the memory of their grandparent alive in loving and age-appropriate ways.
Here are some thoughtful and practical ideas on how to help your child grieve and process the loss of their grandparents.
1. Use Simple and Clear Language
When explaining death to children, it is important to use age-appropriate and clear language. While it may seem more gentle to refer to a deceased grandparent as having “gone to sleep” or “passed on,” euphemisms are often misleading and can cause confusion. Children may believe that their grandparents are sleeping and become scared of sleep.
Instead, use straightforward language like, “Grandpa died. It means that his body has stopped working, and he will not be returning.
2. Even the hard questions are worth asking.
Children are naturally curious, and they will ask many questions when someone passes away. Why did they die? Where are they now? Will I die too? It can be difficult to answer these questions, especially if you are grieving. However, it is essential to provide honest answers that align with your child’s developmental stage.
It’s fine to say “That’s an interesting question” if you aren’t sure what to answer. If you’re not sure about the answer, say, “I’ll think about that and we can discuss it later.” Being honest and open is key to making a child feel secure.
3. Assure them and address their fears
Children often worry about the death of other family members. Children may be worried that you, your sibling or another grandparent is going to die soon. We can reassure them that, while we cannot promise nothing bad will happen in the future, we do not expect it to. One helpful answer might be, “Most people are around for a long time, and I hope to continue living many years.”
Keep your explanations age-appropriate. Clarify that the grandparent’s death was not due to a serious illness, but rather that some illnesses and old age are fatal. It will prevent unnecessary fear of everyday illness.
4. You can express your emotions, but you must remain present.
You can cry or be sad in front of your children. It’s important to express your grief so that they understand it is a healthy and normal part of losing someone. Show them that adults also have feelings and that it’s not something to feel ashamed of.
Be sure to remain emotionally available. It’s important that you reach out to friends, family or professionals for support if you are feeling overwhelmed. When emotions are high, children feel safer when they can trust that the adults are still in charge.
5. Use books and films to open up conversation
Many books and films deal with loss in an age-appropriate, gentle way. These resources are excellent for helping children understand death and their emotions.
Lifetimes or The Invisible String are books that offer comforting messages. They also open up the discussion about loss. The Lion King and Bambi also show how characters deal with grief after the loss of a loved one.
Take time to discuss the story after reading or watching it together. Ask your child to describe the feelings of the characters and compare them with their own experiences.
6. Celebrate with Them and Help Them Remember
Celebrating the life of a person who has died is a healthy way for children to deal with grief. This could include:
-
Look at photos together
-
Share stories about your grandparents
-
Writing letters or drawing pictures to your grandparent
-
Making a Memory Box filled with Keepsakes
These rituals help children to feel connected and give them a sense of continuity. They also keep the memory and love of their grandparent alive.
7. Be patient with repetitive grief
Children don’t process grief in one sitting. It’s possible that your child asks the same questions or shows their sadness for weeks or months. This is normal.
Some children may go through phases such as denial, anger or sadness. They might even regress in their behaviour. Some children may seem unaffected, but later become deeply affected. Grief does not follow a timetable, so it is important to be patient and understand your child’s journey.
8. They can help you say goodbye
It’s a matter of personal choice whether or not to include children at funerals and memorial services. Some parents find it overwhelming, while others feel that it is a way for the children to say goodbye.
Prepare your child for the ceremony if you decide to include them. Tell them who is going to be there, how people may behave (crying or sharing stories), and the meaning of the ceremony. You could also assign them a task, like drawing a picture or lighting a candle.
Give them a role in the goodbye ritual to make it more meaningful. This will help them feel closure.
9. Give Structure and Normalcy
Children benefit from returning to routines that are familiar after a loss. It’s important to give children space to grieve and to be sad, but returning to a routine can provide comfort and predictability during a difficult time.
The routine doesn’t eliminate grief, but helps the child to feel grounded and safe as they deal with the emotional aftermath.
10. Encourage Expressions of Expression
Each child’s emotional processing is unique. Some children express their emotions by talking, while others prefer to draw, play, or use toys. Encourage your child’s choice of how to express himself.
Provide materials such as crayons, play-dough or role-playing. These outlets allow children to express emotions that they may not be able to articulate yet.
11. Look for signs that your child may need extra support
Some children may require additional support. Be alert to changes in sleep patterns, appetite, mood, or social behaviour that are extreme or persistent.
The following are signs to watch for:
-
Frequent nightmares
-
Consistent sadness and withdrawal
-
Acting out or expressing aggression
-
Physical complaints such as stomachaches and headaches
-
Loss of interest in activities that they once loved
Consider reaching out to an experienced child counsellor or therapist if any of these symptoms persist for several weeks. Early support is crucial to helping your child recover.
12. Model Healthy Coping Strategies
The adults around children teach their children how to grieve. By taking care of yourself, your child will learn that it is okay to feel and ask for help.
Allow them to see you do things that make you happy, such as going on a walk or spending time with family. Your actions are more powerful than your words.
Grieving Children
It is one of life’s most difficult yet rewarding experiences to help your child cope with the loss of a grandfather. This requires honesty, patience and an open-hearted heart. In this difficult time, there are opportunities to teach your children about love, compassion, and the importance of remembering those who have passed.
Grief is not something you can “fix”, but rather something that needs to be experienced together. You can teach your child that death is part of life and that love never leaves by holding space for their questions, emotions, or memories.
