How to Deal with the Fear of Labour

When I became pregnant for the very first time, I attended an antenatal support group consisting of several couples. We met every week for four months in a room with soft lighting, cushions, soothing music and an atmosphere of excitement. Our guide was an experienced midwife who talked about childbirth like it was the most sacred and empowering experience.

She was patient, kind, and knowledgeable about childbirth.

I was still terrified.

I can still remember the week. We sat in a circle with our hands on our growing bellies and watched a water birth video. The video showed women breathing through contractions while lying in candle-lit pools with their partners and midwives. One woman smiled during a contraction.

All the others in the circle said how calm it was, and that it made them less fearful. I sat trying to control my breathing and felt like my alarm system was triggered. I was not soothed by watching those women go through labour. This sent me into my own panic room.

You Can Be Afraid of Labour: How to Deal with the Fear of Labour

You are not alone if you feel scared of giving birth. Fear of labour is so common, it’s practically a universal experience–especially for first-time parents. People often romanticise childbirth or reduce it to cliches. Women have been doing it for thousands of years! Or your body knows what to say!

While both statements are true in some respects, they can be frustratingly unhelpful if you’re trying to imagine what the actual labour experience will be like.

No one knows how your labour will go. You have no idea when your labour will begin, how long it will take, how much pain you will feel or how your body is going to react. This uncertainty is the root of much of the anxiety surrounding labour.

You may also like: When to Start Pushing in Labour?

Why Uncertainty Can Feel So Dangerous

Dr. Rebecca Ray explains how our brains have been hardwired to perceive uncertainty as danger. This is a survival strategy that helped our ancestors avoid dangerous situations. Our brains imagine the worst when we do not know what is coming.

Imagine that you are a prehistoric person, and suddenly your clan is forced to migrate. Your brain will automatically assume danger – unfamiliar terrain, scarcity in food or conflict with rival groups. This tendency to expect the worst did not just disappear. Our psychology is still influenced by it.

When we are faced with a major event like labour, a huge unknown, our nervous system will react as if we were in danger. Our brains will sound the alarm even if we are reading about birth plans on a couch while drinking tea.

You can’t predict labour, but you can prepare for it

The helplessness that it can cause is one of the most difficult things to deal with when dealing with labour fear. It’s not something you can schedule neatly in your diary. You can’t be sure how it will feel. You cannot guarantee a painless, intervention-free journey. Fear thrives in a sense of powerlessness.

Dr. Ray says that fear of labour is rooted in the feeling of losing control. She says, “There is nothing that you can do to control the situation.” “And that is what increases the fear.”

You can learn to manage fear, even though you cannot eliminate it. Fear does not have to be the driver of the car. It can sit quietly in the backseat while you drive.

Step One: Name your Fear

It may sound simple, but neuroscience supports it. Name it. This is one of the most effective ways to reduce a strong emotional response. Literally.

Dumbledore tells Harry in Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone: “Always call things by their proper names.” Science confirms that fear of a thing’s name can increase the fear of it.

It is important to name your fears as a way of regulating emotions. You can make your anxiety tangible by saying to yourself: “I am anxious about the unknown of how labour will proceed” or “I am afraid of the pain”. Once something becomes tangible, you can manage it.

Dr. Ray says it best: “Sometimes, when you stop and say, ‘Right Now I’m Feeling Anxiety’, the anxiety is lessened because we have called it what it is. It’s almost like catching the anxiety in action. It has more power when it is unknown and growing in the background.

You can imagine it as turning on the lights in a darkened room. When you can see things, they seem less frightening.

Step Two: Control what you can

You’re not helpless just because the work is unpredictable. Action is the best way to combat fear. Anxiety hates movement.

Dr. Ray says that action is the enemy of anxiety. “Anxiety does not like it if you go and disprove its existence by doing something.”

This “something” could look like:

• Learn about the different types of births: caesareans, vaginal births, water births, epidural-supported births, home births, etc.
• Discussing your options with your midwife or physician
• Take a class in hypnobirthing
• Watching real birth videos or reading positive stories about birth (with a discerning eye) is a great way to get inspired.
• Making a flexible plan for birth that allows for both preferences and changes
• Visit the hospital or birthing centre where you intend to give birth
• Write down your questions and understand the options for pain relief.

You don’t eliminate the uncertainty, but you can build resilience to it when you prepare yourself. You start to believe that no matter what happens, there will be people, tools and choices available to support you.

Confidence is the key to education, not control.

It’s a common misconception that by learning everything, you will “master” the birth process. Birth is a process that unfolds, not something to be solved. Labour can still throw you a curveball, even if you’ve done all the preparation. This is not a mistake, it’s just part of the learning process.

It’s not about controlling all aspects of your work. You want to be calm and confident as you go through the process.

Dr. Ray says, “Don’t be afraid to make choices. Don’t limit yourself.” Birth can be unpredictable, no matter how well you prepare. It’s important to feel in control, not out of control.

You may also like: Is Labour Pain All in the Mind?

What if Fear still shows up?

Fear will still likely be present. Fear may appear in the final weeks of pregnancy. It could sneak up on you during the early stages of labour. It might even scream during transition (when things get more intense). Fear doesn’t necessarily mean that you are doing something wrong. Fear is just a sign that you are human.

Fear will not be the driving force, as Dr. Ray states. It’s up to you, your courage and yourself that do the birth.

This courage does not mean that you are fearless. You show up in spite of your fear.

You breathe through every contraction, knowing that it brings you closer to your child.

When things get tough, you can let your partner, midwife, or doula hold your hand.

You speak up when something isn’t right. It means that you should celebrate your birth, no matter how it happened.

Bravery doesn’t require you to “love” birth

Some people are more fearful than others. Some people are more afraid than others. Some people carry trauma from their past. Some people are afraid of the unknown. That’s okay.

You don’t need to be the glowing, ethereal goddess of birthing that you see in videos. You can be a woman who says, “I’m scared, but I still show up.”

Bravery is not always graceful. Bravery can look like screams, curses, asking for epidurals, or even choosing a caesarean. All of these are valid choices.

Last Thoughts: The enemy is not fear

Fear of labour is not a sign of weakness. Your body is preparing you to face something life-changing and huge. Your baby is about to arrive. Your life is about to change in profound and unpredictable ways.

Fear does not mean that you aren’t ready. You’re ready if you are aware of what is at stake, your body and the fact that birth is a big deal. It is. You don’t need to do it alone.

Let courage take the wheel. Let courage be the driver. Let your knowledge, your team of support, and your strength guide you.

You can do it.