When helping too much starts to hurt
Imagine this: A university lecturer in the middle of a lecture receives a phone call. It’s not an actual student. The caller is a student’s parents, calling to inquire about their child’s grade. According to a report from The Age, these stories are increasingly common in higher educational institutions. Parents are calling course coordinators directly, attending student meetings, and even calling the lecturers. All in the name of support. How Overparenting Affects Children
Is this support? Is it support?
Welcome to the world of over-parenting. This phenomenon is also known as “lawnmower” parenting, “helicopter parenting”, or “raising cotton wool kids”. It involves well-meaning parents who hover too close to their children, intervene too frequently, and smooth out the path for them too thoroughly. But what are the consequences? It’s usually motivated by love. It’s possible that they are not so loving.
We’ll examine what over-parenting is, how it impacts children at different developmental stages, and how to strike a better balance.
What is over-parenting really?: How Overparenting Affects Children
Overparenting is when parents overprotect, oversupport, or overinvolve themselves in the life of their children, far beyond what’s developmentally appropriate. Parents who hover over their children, anticipating and removing obstacles before the child is aware of them, are considered to be over-parenting.
Consider this: If typical parenting involves guiding and supporting a child in life, excessive parenting is trying to make them live their life.
It’s about more than just being involved. Parental involvement is vital. It’s not about being involved, because parental involvement is incredibly important.
Common traits of over-parenting
Over-parenting can be characterised by:
- You can do things for your children that they can do themselves
- Protecting them from any frustration or failure
- Make decisions for them – school, friends, activities
- Even in adolescence and adulthood, you can intervene in social conflicts
- Monitor their sleep, their academic performance, their food and their location beyond the age-appropriate.
Some people use terms such as “lawnmower parent” or “snowplough parent” to describe parents who mow down obstacles. The message is the same, regardless of the name: love may be the intent, but it can often result in limitations.
How do we draw the line between loving and overbearing?
The modern parenting culture is all about involvement. It’s a big deal to be “hands on”, to nurture and protect, or even go the extra mile. Make no mistake: warm and loving parenting, coupled with attentiveness, is associated with resilience and emotional well-being among children.
What happens when we go a little too far
In a survey conducted in 2012, 128 Australian psychologists shared examples of real-life overparenting.
- A mother cuts up the food of her 10-year-old child, even though he can use a fork and knife.
- A parent who brings a separate dish to a party for their 16-year-old child because he is a picky eater.
- Parents who call the school to request specific teachers or class placements for their children.
- A mother refuses to allow her 17-year-old to take public transportation to school.
- Parents who rush forgotten sports uniforms or lunches to school when they receive a text.
The examples are not just extra care, but also a refusal to let the child make mistakes or face discomfort. The message is, however, unintentional: “I’m not trusting you to handle this.”
The Psychological Effect of Overparenting
Over-parenting can affect children’s mental development and health.
Children of School Age
Over-parenting is a problem that affects children of all ages. While the majority of research focuses on adolescents, there are some worrying patterns emerging in school-aged kids. In 2015, a study involving parents and children from Prep to Year 8 found that over-parenting was associated with anxiety as well as authoritarian parental styles.
Children with parents who are overly controlling may also experience:
- Lower self-esteem
- Leadership skills reduced
- Anxiety when faced with new or unfamiliar situations
The children may have difficulty bouncing back after failures or believing in themselves.
Adolescents & Young Adults
As children enter adolescence or adulthood, their stakes and consequences increase.
Over-parenting has been linked to:
- Anxiety and depression at higher levels
- Poor coping skills
- Low self-efficacy
- The struggle for autonomy and independence
- Narcissism, approval seeking and increased narcissism
What is a particularly telling result? The students with parents who are overly involved tend to perform worse in school and not better. Constant involvement of parents can lead to poor adjustment and dependency. They may lack the resilience, grit or self-motivation needed for university and beyond.
Why is over-parenting on the rise?
You’re not the only one who thinks, “Well, my parents didn’t follow me to my university lectures!”. In recent years, over-parenting has become more prevalent and visible.
What is the reason for this?
1. Economic Pressures
Today’s world, let’s be honest, is highly competitive. The world is competitive today. Jobs are hard to find, degrees are more expensive, and success seems elusive. Parents are concerned that a single mistake could ruin their child’s life, so they take action to “protect the investments”.
2. Adolescence
Today’s youth often stay at home longer, get married later and enter the workplace more slowly. This stage is sometimes referred to as adultescence, the murky time between teenhood and adulthood. It’s easier to maintain control when children are physically present in the home.
3. Comparison of Culture and Social Media
Online communities are available to all parents where parenting is judged and compared. It can be stressful to feel like you have to be “perfect”, always there, and always step in.
4. Fear Of Failure
Many parents are afraid of failure, whether it is their own or that of their children. It’s normal to want to shield our children from failure. Failure is essential for growth.
When “helping” is hindering
Children who never fail don’t learn to bounce back. They don’t learn to solve problems if we always fix their problems. If we manage their lives constantly, they will never learn to be independent.
Allowing your child to experience discomfort in a loving and safe environment is one of the best ways to help them grow. This tells your child: “I have faith in you to deal with this.”
What over-parented children might miss:
- Resilience: How to bounce back after setbacks
- Decision-Making Skills: Learn to weigh options and make choices
- Responsibilities: Taking responsibility for their actions
- Emotional Regulation: Learn to handle frustration or disappointment
- Confidence: The ability to trust yourself
Over-parented kids often seek external validation, are afraid to take risks, and have difficulty developing their identity as adults.
How to be involved without overstepping the line
How can we be there for our children without being too dominant?
Here are some practical tips.
1. Don’t Control, Support
Asking questions to your child instead of telling them what to do will help them develop critical thinking. You can ask your child:
“What are your options here?”
“What can you do differently the next time?”
2. Allow Age Appropriate Challenges
Allow your child to walk to school, prepare their own lunch or speak to their teacher to discuss a problem. These small steps will build your child’s confidence and competence.
3. Resisting the Rescue Reflex
What about a forgotten homework assignment or a missed school bus? Let them suffer the consequences unless it is a major emergency. This is a better way to teach responsibility than a lecture.
4. Be a Safe Landing, Not a Constant Co-Pilot
You need to let your child know that you are there for them if they stumble, but not that you will always stop them from falling. It’s enough to be present and available emotionally. You don’t have to live your life for someone else.
5. Encourage Effort, Not Perfection
Praise persistence and growth, not just the outcome. Celebrate the process and not the outcome.
Free-Range Parenting: A Healthier Alternative
A growing movement is “free-range parenting”, the idea that children can benefit from freedom, responsibility and exploration within reasonable boundaries. It does not mean neglect. It means to trust.
Let your children live in the real world with all its chaos. This will help them to become resilient, self-sufficient and empathic. You’ll need them, but not to manage their lives. Love them without condition.
Final Thoughts – Let Them Fly
Over-parenting stems from a human instinct: love. Love is not about protecting our children at all costs. It’s not always about protecting our children.
Standing back, cheering them on from afar as they learn to fly.
It’s okay if you have hovered a bit too close. We all make mistakes as parents. It’s important to readjust and reflect on your parenting style, as well as to give your child the space they need to grow into who they are meant to be.
Cut the crusts from their sandwich only if they are three years old, and not if you’re 13 years old. Allow them to pack their bag, express themselves and make mistakes. One day, they’ll thank you for not preventing their mistakes but for believing that they could learn from those mistakes.
That’s the real meaning of love. This is parenting at its finest.
