People start asking you when you are “going again” as soon as you have your baby. If you are still adjusting to the new life of a baby, this is probably not on your mind. When the time comes, are there any things you should keep in mind? What’s so different about the second or subsequent babies? This is where understanding how birth order impacts childhood development becomes essential. The authors, Dr. Susan Moore and Doreen Rosenthal, recently published their new book, Second Child: Essential Information and Wisdom to Help You Decide, Plan, Enjoy, which offers practical advice on what to expect when baby number two arrives.
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If you’re like me, you might notice something striking about your children based on the order in which they were born. Both of my daughters are very different. My firstborn daughter is calm, independent, and doesn’t have a lot of competitiveness. My second was born running and always trying to compete with her older sister. I have always felt that the order in which they were born has a big impact on their personalities. It seems to be true.
Birth order can significantly shape childhood development and personality traits in surprising ways. The authors say that birth order affects not only the way children behave but also how they think, interact, and approach life’s challenges. So what exactly does research tell us about these differences? And how can parents use this knowledge to support each child’s unique needs?
What Research Says About Birth Order and Personality
In a recent Sydney Morning Herald article, Moore and Rosenthal suggested that firstborns tend to be more responsible, conscientious, and hardworking than their siblings. This idea has been echoed in numerous psychological studies over the years.
Firstborn children often take on leadership roles within the family and beyond. They frequently experience a period of exclusive parental attention before siblings arrive, which can foster a strong sense of responsibility and self-discipline. Many firstborns develop a “big sibling” mentality, feeling the need to set an example or care for younger brothers and sisters. These traits can lead firstborns to excel academically and professionally as they internalise high expectations.
On the other hand, second-born children are often more relaxed, creative, and socially outgoing. They may feel less pressure to compete directly with their older siblings in traditional areas like academics or behaviour, and instead develop strengths in areas where their older siblings aren’t competing. The authors note that second-borns often “seek out niches”, excelling in sports, arts, or social circles where they can shine in their own right.
Moreover, birth order may influence motivation. While firstborns are driven by a desire to meet high expectations, second-borns might be motivated by a need to distinguish themselves and gain attention differently.
The “Rebel” Second Child: Myth or Reality?
One fascinating idea about second-born children is their reputation as the “rebellious” or “challenging” child. According to Moore and Rosenthal, second-borns may be more rebellious and less “easy” compared to their older siblings. This notion is supported by studies such as the one conducted by Joseph Doyle, a professor at MIT Sloan School of Management.
Doyle’s research found that second-born boys are statistically more likely to engage in delinquent behaviour than their firstborn siblings. This could be linked to the different parenting styles that parents adopt with their second child, or the dynamics within the family, such as less intense supervision compared to the firstborn.
It’s important to clarify, though, that this does not mean all second children are troublemakers. Many are well-adjusted and successful. The “rebel” label can sometimes be a way to explain the natural push for individuality and differentiation from older siblings.
How Parents Treat Their Children Differently
Parenting dynamics shift with each child, often unconsciously. After our second child was born, I noticed how differently I approached parenting. I was less anxious, less controlling, and more laid-back compared to the first time around. This often results in second children experiencing a more relaxed upbringing.
However, this can also mean that second-born children sometimes receive less focused attention. The firstborn enjoys a period of exclusive parental attention, and all the “firsts” — first steps, first words, first day of school — are monumental events for the parents. With the second child, those moments may seem less monumental because parents have been through it all before. This can make second children feel “left behind” or overshadowed by the older sibling’s achievements.
Susan and Doreen explain, “Because they are younger, they will always lag behind the older sibling when it comes to milestones and accomplishments.” This is a crucial point—developmental differences between siblings often reflect age and timing rather than ability or potential.
Parents should be mindful of this dynamic and celebrate each child’s milestones, regardless of birth order.
Unique Strengths of Later-Born Children
Though second-borns may sometimes be viewed as less serious or responsible, they tend to develop exceptional social skills. Growing up with older siblings means they learn negotiation, sharing, and conflict resolution from a young age. This exposure can make later-born children more adept at reading social cues, making friends, and adapting to new environments.
Second-born children often develop creativity and risk-taking tendencies. Since they don’t feel the pressure to conform to the firstborn’s example, they are freer to experiment and explore different interests. This can lead to innovation and original thinking.
Interestingly, research shows that later-born children might also be more empathetic and cooperative. Having to navigate sibling dynamics teaches them patience and flexibility.
The Experience of Only Children
Only children often share some characteristics with firstborns, such as maturity and responsibility. However, they don’t experience sibling rivalry or the need to compete for parental attention. This can result in higher self-esteem, but sometimes less experience with negotiation and sharing.
Research debunks the stereotype that only children are spoiled or socially awkward. In reality, many only children thrive socially and emotionally, especially when given opportunities to engage with peers.
Practical Parenting Tips for Different Birth Orders
Understanding the impact of birth order allows parents to tailor their approach and meet each child’s unique needs.
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For firstborns: These children often benefit from praise and reassurance that they are not solely responsible for younger siblings. Encourage independence, but remind them it’s okay to make mistakes.
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For second-borns: These children may need extra validation to build confidence. Celebrate their unique achievements and encourage them to pursue their interests without comparison to their siblings.
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For all children: Promote a family culture that values individual strengths and avoids constant comparisons. Encourage siblings to support and appreciate one another.
Should You Have Another Child?
The question of whether to have a second child is deeply personal. Moore and Rosenthal suggest that a family of four—two adults and two children—often balances the demands of parenting and sibling relationships well.
Having a second child brings joys and challenges. While the first child experiences undivided attention, the second child benefits from having a built-in playmate and role model. Siblings can provide social and emotional support throughout life.
At the same time, parents should be prepared for changing dynamics. The arrival of a new baby shifts family roles and requires flexibility.
No One-Size-Fits-All Family
Perhaps the most important takeaway from Moore and Rosenthal’s work is that there is no “one-size-fits-all” when it comes to family size or birth order. They emphasise, “It is not the size of your family but rather the quality and relationship between you and your children which determines how happy a household will be.”
A loving, safe, and secure environment will nurture children of any birth order to thrive. Families that foster open communication, mutual respect, and individual attention create the strongest bonds.
Final Thoughts
Understanding how birth order shapes personality and development can provide valuable insights for parents, educators, and caregivers. It reminds us that each child is unique, shaped by both their place in the family and their traits.
Whether you are welcoming your firstborn, adjusting to a second child, or considering expanding your family, knowing the dynamics of birth order can help you nurture confident, happy children who feel valued for exactly who they are.
