If you’re a new parent, you may have already discovered that your little one doesn’t always like to be out of your sight. Whether it’s tears when you leave the room, a tight grip around your leg at daycare drop-off, or cries of distress during bedtime, clingy behaviour can be both emotionally draining and confusing. It’s completely normal to wonder if this is something to be concerned about or simply a passing phase.
Helping your clingy child feel safe and secure is often a key part of early parenting. Clinginess usually shows up during specific developmental stages, especially in babies and toddlers, and is typically a sign of a strong attachment to you. It’s one of the ways children express a need for comfort, safety, and reassurance.
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New parents need to understand that this behaviour is not a fault, but a milestone of emotional development. This article explores the reasons why children are clingy and offers compassionate and practical strategies to respond to your child that will build trust and emotional safety while gently encouraging independent behaviour.
Understanding and Managing Clingy Behaviour in Children
Clingy behaviour is a challenge for many parents. Clinginess can be a part of parenting, whether it is a baby that cries the minute you’re not with them, a toddler that grabs your leg during a party or a child of primary school age who cries when you go out for the night.
Clingy behaviour in children is a common part of their development. It can be overwhelming when you are juggling multiple responsibilities. Understanding the causes of this behaviour and knowing how to deal with it can be a huge help to your child and your mental health.
What is Clinginess?
Clinginess is a strong emotional or behavioural reaction a child exhibits when separated from a caregiver or parent. Clinginess is often characterised by crying, following the parent around, refusing to lie independently or physically clinging to a caregiver.
This behaviour is most common among infants, toddlers and preschoolers, but it can persist into early primary years. Clinginess may change in expression with age, yet the need for safety and connection is the same.
Why Do Children Cling to Their Parents?
Children’s clinginess can be caused by several factors–developmental stages, temperament, environmental changes, and even family dynamics.
1. Developmental Phases
Clinginess is often associated with certain developmental milestones. Separation Anxiety can cause babies to cry as young as six months due to separation anxiety. This anxiety peaks between 9-18 months. This is normal and a sign that your baby is developing healthy attachments. It is also a sign that they are beginning to understand the concept of object permanence, or that you exist even if you can’t be seen.
As toddlers learn to walk, speak, and navigate independently, they may become more clingy. They may feel a greater sense of independence, but they also experience fear and anxiety. This leads them to seek out the security of their parents.
Clingy behaviour can also increase during transitions, such as when children start daycare, primary school, or preschool. Children may feel overwhelmed by new environments, routines and people, so they will instinctively turn to you.
2. Temperament
Children have different temperaments, just like adults. Some children are more sensitive, cautious or shy by nature, and may feel more intimidated in unfamiliar places. Some children, especially those who are more introverted or reactive, may need longer to get used to being alone without their parents.
3. Stress and Life Changes
Even children who are usually independent can become clingy when major life events occur. A new sibling or change in family structure, such as a divorce or separation, or starting school, can cause anxiety and clinginess.
Also, children can pick up their parents’ emotions. Children can pick up on their parents’ emotional state.
How to Help Your Child Manage Clinginess?
It’s good to know that clinginess rarely lasts. Your child can feel confident and safe even when you are not there.
Here are a few practical ways to help your child get through the clingy phase:
1. Be a safe base
Be there – consistently, calmly and patiently.
Children rely on caregivers to provide a safe base for exploring the world. They feel more secure when they know that you are available and responsive.
Try to spend some time with your child during their first few visits if they are entering a new setting (like a school or daycare). Sitting with your child as they explore the environment, introducing them to teachers or caregivers, and remaining calm when saying goodbye can ease the transition.
2. Recognise Their Feelings
Clingy behaviour is a form of communication. Your child is saying, “I am scared,” “I don’t feel confident,” or “I want your help.”
Instead of dismissing their feelings (You’re fine!”), Try validating them: Big kids do not cry. Try validating their feelings:
“I know that it is hard to leave.”
“You are nervous about staying with Grandma, and that’s okay.”
Children who feel heard and understood are more likely to cooperate, and their behaviour is less likely to escalate. Labelling their emotions helps children develop emotional awareness, which is a crucial part of emotional regulation.
3. Model Calm Confidence
Children watch their parents to see how they should react. When you separate, your child will feel more secure if you are calm, confident and upbeat.
You might unintentionally reinforce that separation is frightening if you appear worried, hover around too long or sneak off while they are distracted.
Be warm and friendly when saying goodbye. Smile, hug and say that you will be back. Then go. Your child will be more confident in your return if you are consistent and predictable.
4. Prepare for Change
We all fear the unknown, including children. By preparing children for upcoming changes and separations, you can reduce their anxiety.
Use visual schedules, books, or stories to explain what will happen. Use visual schedules, stories, or books that are related to the experience. For example: “We’re heading to your new daycare tomorrow.” I’ll be there for a bit and then go to work. “Teacher Karen will play with you, and I’ll pick you up after the rest period.”
5. Separation Practice in Low-Stress Situations
Start small if your child has trouble with separation. Practice brief separations with familiar, safe environments. You could, for example, ask your child to stay with a trusted relative for 30 minutes as you run a quick task. As your child gains confidence in you, gradually increase the amount of time between you and your child.
Your child will learn from positive separation experiences that they are not abandoned.
6. Build Emotional Resistance
Help your child learn tools to deal with anxiety and fear. Self-soothing techniques can include deep breathing, holding a comforting item or repeating a soothing phrase.
Playing imaginatively with your child as the caregiver, such as putting a doll in bed or “leaving a teddy at daycare”, can also help them feel more control over situations of separation.
7. Encourage independence in daily routines
The more confident a child is in their daily life, the better they will feel when separated.
Encourage your child to make simple decisions (” Would you prefer the blue or red shirt today? “), such as whether they want to dress themselves, pack their bag or backpack, or be themselves. Applaud their efforts and highlight their growing independence.
When is Clinginess of Concern?
Clingy behaviour is usually temporary and developmentally appropriate. It can be problematic if the behaviour is prolonged or interferes with the child’s ability.
Take into consideration the following factors:
1. Duration and Frequency
Does the clingy behaviour occur daily and last more than a couple of weeks? If your child continues to struggle after the change, it may be that they need additional support.
2. Impact on Daily Life
Clinginess may prevent your child from attending school or participating in activities that are age-appropriate. Do they lose out on friends or become more anxious or withdrawn as a result?
3. Emotional Distress
Are they experiencing anxiety symptoms (e.g. stomachaches, headaches or difficulty sleeping)? Do they seem to be crying or fearful when you are away?
It’s important to speak with your child’s teacher, child psychologist, or doctor if you are concerned. Early intervention can help prevent anxiety problems from becoming more severe.
What Not to Do:
It’s easy to get frustrated with clingy behaviours, but some of the common responses may make matters worse.
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Do not sneak away. It erodes the trust. It may seem easier at the time, but it could make future separations more difficult.
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Do not punish or shame your child because of their feelings. Telling a child to “stop acting like a baby”, or dismissing anxiety can make him feel uncomfortable expressing his emotions.
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Avoid all separations. Although it may seem easier to stay with your children all the time, this can reinforce their belief that they cannot cope without you.
Final Thoughts
Clinginess is often an indication of a strong attachment in children. This means that your child is feeling safe and secure around you, which is something to be celebrated. It’s also important to help them develop confidence in themselves and cope with separation.
Your best tools are patience, empathy and consistency. Remember that clinginess doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent. It’s just a phase. With your support, this will pass.
Do not hesitate to contact a professional if you are ever in doubt. It’s not always easy to be a parent. There’s nothing wrong with asking for some guidance.
