The 14 rules of toddlerhood all mums know to be true

Have a toddler at home? Take a seat. Pour a wine. Pause for a moment. And reflect on these toddler rules that most likely make the rounds at your house each and every day.

Raising a toddler is not for the faint of heart but it is one of the best stages in parenting, as long as you know the rules…

1. If I’m quiet, then I’m doing something naughty.

Like covering myself with nappy cream. Or drawing all over the dog.

2. If you’re using it to cook dinner, then it’s my toy.

Spatulas, wooden spoons, pots, pans, bowls…

3. If it’s dangerous, then I would like to try it.

Especially if it involves climbing.

4. If it’s 10 sizes too big or too small for me, then I would like to wear it.

This includes daddy’s jocks, mummy’s heels and the newborn onesie I found in the stack of baby clothes that were meant to be donated to the Salvos.

5. If I find it on the floor, then it needs to be tasted.

Whether it’s food or not is beside the point.

6. If it’s on your plate, then I want it.

Even if we have the exact same meal in front of us – it’s only edible if it’s off your plate.

7. If you’re tired, then I’m not.

Regardless of what time it is.

8. If I once looked in the direction of something, then it’s mine.

This goes for every single item in the house, shop, car and pretty much everywhere else we have ever been.

9. If it’s sunny, I will insist on wearing ugg boots or gumboots.

And if it’s raining, then the outfit of choice will be thongs, a tutu and swimmers.

10. If you need me to stay awake, I will fall asleep in the car as soon as we get there.

No matter how loud you turn on the radio or how many times you turn around to tickle my feet.

11. If you give me the wrong colour straw, cup, plate, spoon or water bottle, then the world will end.

The only way to prevent this apocalypse is to produce the correctly coloured utensil in five seconds or less…

12. If it’s not drizzled with tomato sauce, then it’s not worth even trying.

But, if you happen to drizzle too much sauce on the plate, then it is also not edible.

13. If there is even a hint of green, purple or orange in my meal, then I won’t eat it.

Because green, orange and purple are the colours of vegetables. And clearly vegetables are awful.

14. If I ate two servings of it last week, I will hate it this week.

Consistency is for suckers, after all.