The Myth that Dads Believe about Mums and Why it Matters
Russell Brand, an actor and comedian, made headlines a few years back for his remarks regarding his role as a father. In an interview (typically theatrically British), he described his parenting of Mabel as something ethereal. “I’m focused on the mystical meanings of Mabel’s beauty and grace.” In a candid (and characteristically theatrically British) interview with em>The Sunday Times/em>, he described parenting his oldest daughter, Mabel, as something mystical: “I’m very, very focused on the mystical connotations of Mabel’s beauty and grace.” He then acknowledged–al- st if he was surprised–that it had been his wife Laura who had navigated the “nuances, and complexity, of child-rearing.” Brand acknowledged that he had “not much experience in how to organise domesticity” and left the entire practical parenting up to his partner.
The tabloids seized on the moment, blaming sexism for it and causing a lot of eye-rolling. If you’ve ever been in playgroups or school halls or even scrolled through social media, Brand may have seemed familiar. Not because of his poetic words or fame, but because so many fathers hold the same belief. That mums are simply better at parenting than dads.
Moms just know
This belief is not true. It is not true that a mother “just knows” how to care for her baby, from feeding schedules to soothing methods to diaper changes. In reality, all parents, regardless of their gender, are thrown into the chaos that is infant care unprepared. The birth packet does not include a user guide.
It’s important to note that not all fathers are like this. Many fathers, including my husband, are proud to be hands-on. This is especially true after they become parents. The myth persists almost as a default cultural belief: that moms have an innate sense of understanding and dads don’t, or at least are better off standing back.
Russell Brand’s description was ridiculous and romantic, with mystical connotations. It’s also echoed by many less poetic confessions. “I would not know where to start when it comes to feeding o, or “She does it without stress.”
Why does this myth persist? What does it cost both families and fathers?
Broken Cradles & Hidden Costs
Many parents are surprised by the unexpected challenges they face when starting a new family. The reality of financial struggles and mental health challenges is revealed in “Broken Cradles & Hidden Costs”.
1. The Myth protects mothers from having to teach
A mum may assume that her partner is capable of doing diaper changes, dressing a baby, or packing a lunchbox for school. She might also assume that she does not need to show. Dads are left struggling in silence because they believe that the job belongs to their wives. It’s a vicious cycle that works against both partners and, more subtly, their children.
This has an opportunity cost. Dads who never learn to do simple tasks like feeding, comforting, nd bedtime routines will miss out on countless bonding moments with their kids. A momentary smile during a diaper change arm wrapped around a child during a three-year-old’s, or a brief shared in the morning are all examples of relationships. Relationships need to be built.
2. Fathers Give up Early
From the very beginning, this “that’s my territory” mentality is often present. Dads often say, “I’ll let Mum do that–she is better at it”, or “I would not know where to start”. Sometimes they don’t even know. True. In most cases, you could learn in diapers, early mornings, or by asking for help. Many people choose to ignore the situation.
In the blur of parenthood, the time spent with your baby can be lost. Dads teach themselves to be apathetic by not engaging. The dads are present at the important milestones – first foods, first steps, and first days of school – but not for the everyday moments which form a child’s sense of belonging.
3. This is a Lost Opportunity for Both Dad and Child
Parenting is not an event. It’s a series of moments. The relationship is one-sided when dads stop parenting, or when both parents default on one person. We know, however, that children who have fathers actively involved in their early caregiving experience better emotional resilience and cognitive development. They also form stronger friendships in later life. This is not a theoretical issue.
Once dads start the routine, even if it’s clumsily, of changing nappies, bathing children, or preparing school lunches, they tap into something vital: the privilege to witness the little things. The sleepy smile at breakfast. The shout of triumph when they find their shoe. These aren’t chores, but deep connections.
Expectations of Gendered People
Mothers have traditionally been the ones who are responsible for parenting. It’s not biological inertia but cultural inertia. Even though society has undergone a significant change, vestiges remain. Most parents, including mothers, still default to the gendered division: Mum = caretaker and Dad = provider. It’s easier to stick with tradition than challenge it, even if both partners deserve and want more.
Identity and Resistance
The phrase “you are the breadwinner and not the caregiver” is often said to dads. It’s not meant maliciously, but it’s still said. When it comes to childcare, many fathers will instinctively take a step back and retake a role that they have been given, even if they would prefer a deeper involvement. It’s a default identity.
Fear of being in the way
A well-intentioned father told me that he changed diapers rarely because he was afraid he would do it incorrectly. He left it up to his partner, who had no problem teaching him. What’s the problem? He never asked. She was frustrated and asked, “Why didn’t you give me a shot?” He had not wanted to interfere. The price was paid by their daughter.
So what? Why?
It’s not just about the chores. We know from research and experience that attachment is built through small routines, such as feeding, dressing, or calming.
They want your attention; yo,r presence and consistency. Your smell, your voice, nd your attention to them will help them learn. Just as mothers, fathers also count on that rhythm.
The diaper struggle or the dinnertime at 6 p.m. is harder for a father to understand. In learning, you will discover who you are as a parent and partner.
Telling It Like It Is
What advice would I offer to any father who believes they “cannot” parent? Fearing they will get in the way or interfere? Or do you think your mum will handle it?
It’s okay not to know. Nobody knows until they find out. You’ll gain confidence by showing up and asking for help. Soon enough, you will be wiping noses, singing lullabies, and doing things you never thought possible.
Say it again. Say to your partner: “Hey! I’m struggling.” You should approach with humility and not detachedness. Ask her to coach and support you during an evening shift.
Give it the chance it deserves. You will make mistakes and not be perfect. You learn by doing. Yes, you’ll ask silly things like “Is it warm enough?” or “Am I doing this right?” That’s normal. As you practice, your confidence as a parent grows.
Focus on the reward. You build a relationship with your child every time you soothe them to sleep or turn negative emotions into laughter. No amount of mysticism can replicate it.
Fathers, A Call to Action
Russell Brand, or any dad who believes that his partner “is well-versed in domesticity, yes, grateful partners can be incredibly talented. To step away and claim the job isn’t yours will not serve you or your child. Instead of parenting as a show, what if we approached it like an invitation? Come check out the dinner tonight. “Could I have you put my kids to bed so that I can rest ?”–?
What’s the First Step?
In one paper, it is stated that fathers’ involvement in the early years of a child’s life can lead to better emotional regulation and stronger cognitive outcomes at age 7. In practice, it may sound complicated, but diapers, meals, and bedtime routines are more than just chores. You are teaching your child. Mama is safe and perfect, but Dad Dado shows up, supportive, wacky, a nd untidy — but fully present.
1. Nappies and Needs
Start with diaper duty. Do not email her and ask for instructions. Instead, do it. Together, watch a 2-minute video tutorial. Undo the nappy confidently. The question “Can Daddy Help?” is a favorite of babies.
2. Mealtimes With Me
Next, mealtimes. When was the first time she ate vegetables? Priceless. Wait for her first smile or sneeze after she tries a new flavor. That’sthe connection. It’s satisfying to know that science is a part of our lives.
3. Sleeping Together is a Great Way to Bond
The rituals of bedtime are emotional anchors. It’s also a time when dads think they don’t have the time. A short story with theatrical flair or a pause for your child to tell you, “What was the best part of today ?”–” will give you a peek into their heart.
Rewriting the Parenting Script
It’s time to change your language. You and your child should share joy, not because society says so. Share your sense of purpose. This mess that you fix becomes a tale you tell. This midnight meal becomes a lasting memory of closeness.
To Russell Brand, or to any father who has resigned to being peripheral in his family’s life, I would say: Transform your role. You don’t have to be the primary caregiver. You need to be a caregiver. This means you have to try, make mistakes, and then try again. Always emphasize presence over proficiency.
Fatherhood isn’t a task that can be outsourced.
If you have been believing that mums do things better than you and you are better off watching, you are not alone. It’s cultural inertia. The antidote to this is as simple as it gets: presence. Persistence. Participation.
When a father steps up
- He develops patience, vulnerability, and resilience.
- He develops a relationship with the child, confidence, trust, and attachment.
- He does not run away from his partner, but walks alongside her.
You don’t have to be wise. You only need to be present.
Why it Matters: A Long View
Over time, these moments of caregiving that are often dismissed as a chore become more important. The research consistently shows that father involvement is linked to confident, empathetic, and resilient children. These moments are more than a slapped knuckle and a bedtime giggle. Both the child’s identity and the child’s environment are shaped by these moments.
Conclusion
Cut yourself in. You will not always feel like you’re cut out. You give more every time you come than any magical gift could ever do. Your child will remember your scent in the darkness. They remember when you first held them in pride. They remember what you said. They can remember you holding their hand.
Action dispels every myth. You can’t be a parent unless you start with something as simple as a diaper. Or a book at bedtime. Or a tentative dinner. You’ll learn quickly that joy isn’t ethereal, but practical, imperfect, beautiful, and ours.
