I received a lot of well-meaning advice when I was struggling with infertility. “Don’t Smoke.” “Cut Down Your Caffeine.” “Try To Stress Less.” All the usual stuff. No one told me what was crucial to my journey. Take the time to find the right fertility doctor for you.
I wasn’t thinking about it at first. I thought a doctor was just a physician–you go find one, and they do their work. Fertility doctors don’t only write prescriptions and perform procedures. They are your guide, mentor and sometimes your lifeline in one of the most difficult, emotionally draining and physically demanding periods of your life.
They can learn intimate details of your sexual life. They probably look at your uterus a lot more than your partner. They are the third wheel of your relationship and the co-pilot in the unpredictable, winding road to conception.
Yes, you do pay them a large amount of money.
It’s not all about clinic success rates or credentials. It’s all about the human touch–how you feel when you are in the middle of the action. Do they listen to you? Do they understand you? Does this person make the process easier for you?
You don’t want a doctor to make you feel more alone or lost when you are considering IVF or cycle tracking.
Referrals – The First Step, But Not the Last: Choose the Right Fertility Doctor
The majority of people begin where we started: with a referral. Your GP may recommend someone. You can ask friends or family who have undergone fertility treatment for their stories. Let’s face it: people do not talk about infertility like they talk about hairdressers or dentists. There is no group chat called “Amazing fertility doctors you should try.”
What about online reviews? Online reviews are often vague and sparse. Fertility treatments are personal and emotional. Most people don’t want to give detailed feedback like Yelp after an unsuccessful IVF cycle.
A referral can still give you a good place to begin. This can help you narrow down the list of specialists. You’ll need to do some research and get a feel for the situation.
Take some time to do your homework–not all doctors are the same
Start by looking at their websites once you have a list of names. Look beyond the clinic’s aesthetics and stock photos of smiling people. Find out what services are offered.
Some fertility doctors offer both obstetrics & gynaecology. It may be more important than you think. Would you prefer continuity of treatment if everything goes smoothly and you fall pregnant? Do you want to have the same doctor deliver your child as well? Check if they provide obstetrical care or are part of a team.
Look at their specialties, the years they have worked in clinics, and their experience. Some clinics specialise in specific treatments (like egg freezing or ICSI), while others may have expertise in endometriosis and polycystic ovarian disorder (PCOS). You should take control of your life if your GP has given you a referral with little information.
Why You Should Make Your First (and Second!) Appointment
This is where it gets interesting. It’s not always possible to determine if a fertility specialist is right for you without meeting them.
After one appointment, you probably won’t be able to tell. You might even think that they are “good enough” if you find them to be friendly and professional. But pay attention.
My first experience will always be etched in my memory. The original doctor came highly recommended. She was intelligent, no-nonsense and very clinical. As time passed, I began to notice things that made me uneasy. When she suggested hormone injections, I asked where I could get the needles. She gave me the pharmacy’s address. I was referring to the place on my body where I would inject them.
She would never use words like “sex”, “intercourse” or even “try”. Instead, she would say that we should “try”. I felt embarrassed and foolish sharing deeply personal information, like the consistency of cervical mucus or my period intensity.
I first told myself to be tougher. This is not about emotions–it’s about science,” I said. Seven months later, after testing and tracking our cycles, she suggested that we try IVF. When I asked if we had tried everything else, she suggested a laparoscopy to check for endometriosis.
This moment was pivotal for me. Not only was I surprised that she didn’t mention laparoscopy earlier, but also the feeling that my health was being handled on a conveyor belt. She was thinking about three steps ahead, while I was stuck at step two.
Second opinions aren’t betrayals — they’re empowering
It wasn’t an easy decision. It was like breaking up with someone. We shared a history, had test results and a plan. Start over meant more paperwork. Another GP referral. Another first appointment. A rehash of our story.
We did it. It made a huge difference.
The new doctor was a complete contrast. His warmth and sense of humour immediately put us at our ease. He described a laparoscopy to me as “a scenic view of your reproductive organs,” and I laughed. It was probably the first time that I had laughed during a fertility consultation.
He presented us with options that were backed up by statistics. He said that in 95% of the laparoscopies he performs, he finds something to do to improve fertility. This gave me confidence that this was not a detour but part of my journey.
We left that first meeting with a 6-month and 12-month plan. He was honest. He gave us hope because he was clear.
The Human Factor
This process is largely medical. Hormones, scans, blood tests and other procedures are all part of the process. It’s also deeply personal.
You need to find a doctor who sees you not just as a uterus, but also as a person. You need a doctor who will listen to your concerns, respect your questions and support you through both the highs and the lows.
Sometimes, fertility treatment can be soul-destroying. You will experience moments of disappointment, frustration, and confusion. The pain won’t go away, but a good doctor will hold it for you. They will help you understand it. They will treat your hopes as sacred and not naive.
What you need to know
No fertility doctor will offer any guarantees. This is the harsh truth. You can make the most of your life by surrounding yourself with those who share your values.
I had the opportunity to work with a psychiatrist during our trip, which helped me pinpoint exactly what I was looking for in a physician. I needed:
- Facts– I wanted options, numbers and clarity.
- Structure– I needed a plan to follow when I felt things were chaotic.
- Humour I needed someone to make me laugh during my appointments and not frown when lab results came back.
After I learned these things, it was easier for me to find the right doctor. We trusted our second doctor to guide us from laparoscopy through IVF and the delivery of our daughter.
Tips on Choosing the Right Fertility Specialist
Here are some tips that will help you choose the right provider if you’re new to this or unsure of your current provider:
1. Book More than One Initial Consultation
You can meet with more than one doctor to make a decision. Imagine that you are interviewing a candidate for a new job. You are hiring someone to fill one of the most crucial roles in your life.
2. Asking the awkward questions
Ask about the success rates, waiting lists, costs and support services available. Are they aggressive in their IVF treatment, or are they more conservative? What is their experience in cases similar to yours?
3. Communication Style: Pay Attention
Explain things in a manner you can understand. Answer your questions without making it seem silly. You feel more or less informed?
4. Trust your Gut
It’s not necessary to have a good reason for switching. You can explore alternative options if something doesn’t feel right. You are in control of your journey. This is your journey.
Final thoughts: It’s about more than medicine
The right fertility doctor will not only be a footnote to your fertility story, but they will also be a key chapter. The right doctor will not make your journey easy, because no one can. But they will walk with you and ensure that you aren’t left in the dark or alone.
Infertility can take a lot from us: time, energy, money and sometimes hope. If there’s anything you have control over, it’s the person you choose to walk alongside you.
Don’t be afraid of reassessing and asking: “Is the person right for me?”
It makes a huge difference when you find a compassionate doctor, listens to you, understands your situation, and guides you.
Sometimes, you can’t.
This difference will lead you to what your heart has been longing for.
