All of us have been there.
When you’re in the park, your living room, or having a playdate, another child (not one of yours) does something that makes your jaw twitch. You’re at the park, in your lounge room or hosting a playdate when it happens, another child (not your own!)
They may have pushed your child off the slide. They may have uttered a four-letter phrase that caused every parent in earshot to freeze. Maybe they jumped onto your newly cleaned couch while holding a juice box and wearing muddy shoes.
You look around. No adult in sight. The adult may be present, but is doing nothing. The clock is ticking. You start to feel a buzz in your head: Should I say anything? Is this my job? What if someone gets upset? What if you DON’T intervene and things escalate?
Can You Discipline Someone Elses Child?
Why is this such a Touchy subject
It’s not just about raising your children, it’s about navigating the community. Our children are always around other kids, whether it’s at school events or family functions. They’re also around them when they’re sleeping over and on playgrounds.
Discipline is a key area where differences in parenting styles are most evident. Some parents may see “tough love” as harsh, but others might think it’s “too strict”. One family could be flexible and laid-back, while another is rigid and rules-driven.
When another child misbehaves at your house or near your child, it can make you feel as if you are walking on a tightrope.
For expert advice, I have reflected on my experiences and reached out to Derek McCormack (Acting Executive Director of the Raising Child Network).
Let’s dive into what I have learned.
1. What would you feel if someone disciplined your child?
The answer to this question can change your entire mindset.
My daughter was about three when we visited a friend. She did something very small, which I don’t remember now. But I remember her reaction. The host shouted at her loudly and very suddenly.
She ran up to me and immediately began crying. I could feel it in my chest. My instincts to protect roared into life.
At the time, my husband thought that the other adult handled the situation appropriately. He said, “She did the wrong thing.” I did not disagree that she had been redirected, but I did disagree with the way it was done.
Discipline is not about screaming. Shame is not the issue. It’s about asserting your power. At its best, discipline is direction – a way to gently guide a child towards better behaviour, while preserving his or her sense of dignity and safety.
If I don’t like someone else to raise their voice in front of my child, then I shouldn’t do it with someone else — even if the person is jumping on my brand-new couch and has muddy shoes.
Keep in mind this golden rule: Discipline your child as you would like others to discipline it. With kindness. Clarity. Without embarrassment.
2. Children don’t know your house rules, so be clear
When kids enter our homes, we make a lot of assumptions. We assume that they will know how to behave in our homes. They won’t swear, open the refrigerator, or jump off the couch. The truth is that kids operate under completely different rules. They haven’t read the rulebook yet.
Derek McCormack explains that each family has different rules, and visitors can’t expect to learn yours through osmosis.
He says the children who enter your home must follow your family rules. It’s okay to gently remind them if they violate the rules.
Try something simple, calm and easy to do.
- In this house, we do not jump on couches.
- We use nice words here.
- Thank you for saying, “Leave your shoes by the front door.”
It’s not discipline in the traditional punitive sense. This is boundary setting. Setting clear expectations helps everyone feel more at ease.
It’s important to discuss any rules you have in mind, such as food, screen time or language, before the playdate begins. You could say:
We’re not playing with screens today. Let’s play something else.”
[“Shoes off inside, and we’ve got a no-lollies-before-lunch rule.”
Consider it more as a guide for your children to help them navigate through your home.
3. If you do step in, be gentle.
You may need to be more assertive at times, especially if the child’s behaviour is causing emotional distress or safety concerns.
How we act makes all the difference.
Derek says that when you can, redirection and humour are better than “discipline”.
Two kids are being too rough. You can join in by:
- “Whoa! Take a moment to calm down and take a short break.
- Why don’t you and I build something out of blocks instead?
If a child has been verbally abusive:
- It sounded hurtful. Find another way to express our feelings.
Tone is the key. It’s possible to be firm and not frightening. Correcting without shame is also possible. Children don’t want to be perfect, but they do want to feel safe.
If something crosses the line (like a dangerous behaviour or a hit), you can calmly say, “That’s not right.”
- I can’t allow anyone to get hurt. We’re taking a break from the game.”
Your adult authority is important here — not to dominate, but rather as a source for steady, compassionate leadership.
4. When you can, check in with your parents
The first time I watched my nieces and nephews, I learned a lot.
We often swap casually – she takes my children one day and I do the same the next. When I first had her children over, I asked no questions. I didn’t ask about routines, bedtime, snacking, or screens.
I thought I would just do the same thing I do with my children. Big mistake.
By 9 PM, they were jumping off the walls. I was more snappy than I had hoped to be and felt that I’d let down both my kids and my sister.
We’ve been having a quick conversation before each swap ever since. This takes only two minutes, but can make all the difference.
The parents of the child visiting you may not expect that you discipline him in a traditional sense. You might be asked to entertain and keep everyone safe. Knowing where parents stand can help you react with confidence and less guilt if the child crosses a line.
It’s okay to ask about a child’s age, whether it is your neighbour’s, a friend from school, or even your niece or nephew.
- How do you normally handle it when they get upset?
- Are there any rules that you would like me to follow while they are here?
Respect and collaboration are more important than being perfect.
Takeaway: Boundaries not Battles
It’s difficult to discipline someone else’s kid because it touches two sensitive areas. Our relationships with other parents and your values about raising children.
Here’s what I have come to realise:
- You can set boundaries with your children or your family.
- You can speak up gently if you feel something is off.
- It’s OK to expect respect from families.
is not acceptable when you use shame, fear or harsh discipline, whether your child’s or someone else’s. This approach damages trust and teaches children to associate mistakes with punishment rather than learning.
Next time you are tempted to bite your tongue as a child begins drawing on the wall or sneaking a third cupcake while another child is visiting, remember to take a deep breath. Leading with kindness. Set a limit. Humour is a great way to redirect. Ask the parent what they are comfortable with, if you can find them.
It’s not necessary to be “the bad guy”; you can be the calm and respectful leader in the room. Every child deserves this.
Final Thoughts
This is not a one-size-fits-all rulebook. Kids are different, families are different, and the situations are also unique.
If you only remember one thing, discipline is not about power. Teaching is what’s important. It can be done with grace, clarity, and gentleness, even if the child you’re disciplining isn’t yours.
It’s okay to step into the shoes of another child, as long as it is done with respect, compassion and with the same level of care that you would expect someone else to show your child.
