The time of pregnancy is often portrayed in a positive light: a glowing belly, little kicks and the anticipation of finally meeting your child. While many women experience joy and wonder during their pregnancy, the reality of birth is often portrayed as a gritty, unpredictable and even traumatic event.
We’re told that labour and delivery are difficult but rewarding. You get to keep your baby at the end, so it’s “worth” the pain. What happens when your imagined birth turns out to be something that you can barely recognise? Something frightening, out-of-control, or even traumatising?
Women often carry their emotional scars of a difficult delivery in silence, feeling that they do not have the right to speak about it. They are told, either explicitly or implicitly, that they should be grateful for their healthy baby. But trauma and gratitude can coexist. When trauma is ignored, the effects of it don’t go away. It can linger for many years and affect a mother’s self-worth, mental health, and relationship to motherhood.
We need to start a conversation. We need to stop pretending trauma is not part of the birth story.
The Silent Struggle
Birth trauma is not something that many mums are willing to discuss. You don’t bring it up in a mother’s group when everyone is sharing adorable baby pictures. Most women are not comfortable talking about it, especially when everyone expects them to be celebrating their new motherhood.
Many women have to go through this. If your birth experience has left you feeling scared, helpless or even violated, then you are not alone. You are not alone if your delivery room experience left you feeling numb or with a racing brain full of questions like “what happened?”
When society romanticises birth, it’s difficult to discuss trauma. We are encouraged to create detailed birth plans, plan playlists for birth, and decorate nurseries. However, we’re never taught how to cope with grief when these plans fail.
What is birth trauma?
Birth trauma doesn’t only refer to what happened medically during your birth. It’s how you felt.
Trauma can be caused by an emergency, such as a caesarean or a baby’s heartbeat dropping. For others, trauma may have its roots in the way they were treated. Did they feel heard? Did they feel respected by you? Did their wishes get considered? They were treated with respect and informed.
Birth trauma occurs when a mother feels that her or her child’s life is in danger, or when she is powerless, invisible or ignored. Even if the clinical outcome is perfect, it can still happen. It doesn’t matter if the mother and child are physically healthy.
This emotional pain can have consequences. Some women can get through this with the support of their partners, friends or even a good cry. Others may feel the trauma is a part of them. You may have flashbacks or nightmares. Or you might experience anxiety or bonding difficulties with your baby. Postnatal PTSD can develop from this. It is a mental condition that should be treated just as any other.
When Dreams Don’t Match Reality
Many expectant mothers go into labour with hope in their hearts. There’s usually a vision for how the birth will be, whether it’s natural waterbirth, gentle caesarean or something completely different.
Birth rarely goes according to plan.
You may have planned to have a calming, hypnobirthing session and found yourself rushed in the theatre. You may have imagined a calm, skin-to-skin experience and ended up separated from your child while they were whisked off to the NICU. You may have expected a midwife to champion and support you, but instead felt judged or ignored.
And when things go differently–especially when they go badly–it can be heartbreaking.
You can grieve for the birth that you did not get. You don’t have to be ungrateful for your child. You’re a human being.
The Pressure To Be Grateful
Let’s discuss this expectation of society that mothers should “just be satisfied” with their baby being safe. Having a healthy child is indeed important. It doesn’t negate a woman’s right to feel her pain.
The idea that mothers should “suck up” and move forward often silences the stories of their children. This sends a message that the feelings of mothers are selfish or inconvenient. Many women try to forget their traumas and move on.
Emotions don’t behave that way. They don’t disappear when you bury the feelings. Instead, they fester. Unprocessed traumas can affect bonding and your identity as a mom, cause relationships to be strained, or even lead to depression.
It’s not about dwelling on negativity, but about honouring the experience and moving forward to heal.
Signs of Postnatal Postnatal PTSD
It’s not true that every difficult birth results in PTSD. But it is important to be aware of the symptoms if your emotional reaction goes beyond a few tough days.
Postnatal PTSD symptoms include:
- Birth memories or flashbacks can be intrusive.
- Avoid anything that brings back memories of birth (like hospitals and certain people).
- Nightmares
- Emotional numbness
- Anxiety or panic attacks
- Hypervigilance (feeling constantly on edge or in danger).
- Bonding difficulties with your child
- Feeling alienated or detached from your own experience
You are not broken, and you are not alone. Healing is possible, and help is available.
Talking is Healing
How can we begin to recover from the trauma of birth?
Storytelling is one of our most powerful tools. It can be healing to be able to speak about your birth without judgment or being told to “just be happier”.
Start by talking to a friend or partner you trust. Talk to your midwife if you feel comfortable, or call the maternity unit where you gave birth. Many hospitals offer postnatal briefings, where a professional will walk you through the birth notes, explain what happened and why decisions were taken, and then what all of it means.
It can be therapeutic to write about your experiences. It’s not necessary to create a perfect birth narrative. Just get your feelings out. Name the event. Recognise the fear, the pain, and the loss of control. This is a way to reclaim your story.
When talking doesn’t work and the trauma is still affecting your life, you should seek professional assistance. Your GP may refer you to a specialist in perinatal mental illness. Organisations such as PANDA (Perinatal Depression & Anxiety Australia) and COPE provide support, counselling, and helplines for mothers navigating birth trauma.
How To Support Someone After A Traumatic Birth
You may know someone who has experienced a birth trauma.
Give her the space to speak about her difficult birth. Listen to the answer when you ask, “How did your birth go?”
You don’t want to dismiss her feelings by saying, “At least your baby is fine.” This may be true, but she wants her pain validated.
Instead, try:
- It sounds very scary.
- It makes sense that you would feel this way.
- Would you like to know more?
Avoid pushing her to “move on” or to “look on the positive side”, as healing doesn’t have a timetable.
Let’s normalise talking about it
Imagine the difference in postpartum living if there were a place for all birth stories, from the joyful to the complicated and traumatic. Imagine telling new mothers, “Whatever you experienced, you are allowed to feel what you feel.”
It’s time to normalise the conversation about difficult topics. We need to talk about the hard stuff, not to scare pregnant women but to prepare and inform them. To show that every mother’s voice, experience, and well-being matter.
Birth does not always proceed as we would expect. Silence doesn’t need to be a part of this story. You deserve to be heard, whether your birth was exactly as you had hoped or not at all.
Summary
Birth trauma is real. Birth trauma is not uncommon. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.
You are not ungrateful, weak, or broken if your birth was difficult. Instead, you’re just a mother who has been through a lot. It won’t change what happened, but talking about it is a good way to start making peace.
Stop telling women, “get over it” and ask them how they are feeling. Let’s support one another through the raw realities of pregnancy, birth, and beyond.
Mums deserve much more than survival. They deserve healing, support and a place where they can be themselves.
