Babies are boring with a capital B: A mum’s manifesto
A baby whisperer I am not. A mum of four with a penchant for guzzling luke-warm mugs of tea and wondering when I last washed my hair … BINGO – that’s me.
After four babies I am here to share a few mum truths that those perfectly posed, light-filled Instagram posts of sweet, non-crying babies fail to mention.
1. Babies are BORING
Yes, we know you’ve longed for one. We know you love them. But jeez, Louise, hanging out with a child under one all day is boring with a capital B. The first year of life revolves around feeding (see point two for more on this land-mine), sleeping (not yours) and the never-ending washing pile.
2. Breast or bottle it’s all BULL
Whichever way you feed your baby … it will be WRONG, wrongity wrong. Use the boob and you will feel judged by the tut-tutters who don’t like seeing your glorious milk makers. Feed with formula and you will feel like Satan’s knickers each time you pop that plastic bottle in bub’s mouth. Believe me; I’ve tried ALL the ways, including pumping myself senseless for months, and neither way is the “right way”. Each way has benefits and drawbacks. Each way will make you feel exhausted, under-valued, and over-touched in equal measure.
3. Push it real good
You can Hug-a-Bub and Bug-a-Boo yourself right into debt if you go crazy at the baby shop. Yes, babies need ‘stuff’ and lots of it, but your beautiful bundle of adorableness will have no clue if her capsule is coated in crystals, or if the stroller is silver plated. Shove your bub into whatever works best for you. You never know, they may end up shunning that thousand dollar pram for the comfort of your no-cost, ready-made arms.
4. Control is a thing of the past
In your previous life as an employee, business owner or functioning human you would have had some level of control over your day. You had the luxury of setting your alarm. You chose what time you showered, and you went to the toilet whenever your heart (or bladder) desired. You may have even left your house for a whole day and not returned until pumpkin o’clock. Kiss goodbye your schedules and say hello to random chaos – at least until your baby is sleeping through the night.
5. Tears and tantrums
It would be fair for you to assume I’m talking about children’s tears and tantrums here. Nah, those are small fry compared to the emotional onslaught that will rip through your body like a hormonally charged tornado.
The plus side to all of this emotion is that you will now be privy to the insane level of joy and happiness that a child brings to your life. Yep, you will find yourself waving at your child in the school play; cheering at your kid’s team sport like you’re at the World Cup; and you may or may not find your heart melting in a puddle on the floor when that little child of yours is fast asleep snuggled up with her teddy.
There you have it. Five of the best, or worst, mum truths you will ever hear. In short: boring, boobs, prams, chaos and tears. Yep, that pretty much sums it up. Now, where did I leave that cuppa?
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