9 Times Pregnancy Feels Like Hostile Takeover

Ah, pregnancy. The magical, mythical time when you feel “glowing”, but you aren’t sure if you’re sweating from trying to get your shoes on or if you are. 9 Times Pregnancy Feels Like Hostile Takeover.

Growing a person is a life-changing, incredible experience. It is full of wonder and anticipation. And it is a feeling of overwhelming excitement that your body has done something amazing. You’re making a tiny human from scratch. While you’re trying to finish your email or keep down your lunch, another human being is building their skeleton within you.

Let’s face it: there are moments when the magic doesn’t seem to be so magical. Sometimes you indeed feel less like it is a “miracle” of life and more like an alien has taken over your body. A cute alien. But still–hostile.

Here are nine times when pregnancy can feel like a hostile takeover that is high stakes and no holds barred.

9 Times Pregnancy Feels Like a Hostile Takeover

1. When you want to sleep, but your baby wants to practice for Dancing With the Stars

You have done everything. You’ve fluffed up your pillows perfectly. Your maternity pillow is arranged into a sculpture that resembles a cozy cloud castle. Finally, you’ve found a position that is comfortable and doesn’t place pressure on your hips, back or bladder.

As you drift off to sleep, the baby decides that it’s time to go.

Forget gentle flutters. This is a full-blown foxtrot on your diaphragm. Beyoncé would be proud of the choreography performed by tiny elbows and knees. There’s nothing that you can do but lie there and accept it.

Want to rollover? Cute. Your bladder is involved. Do you want to breathe deeply? You can’t breathe deeply when your lungs act as a trampoline.

Sleep? Sleep?

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2. When you eat like a bear after hibernation, and then go back for dessert

There is no other hunger quite like that during pregnancy.

You order burgers. You’re full, but you decide to order a burger. After consuming a large bowl of pasta, you manage to squeeze in a chocolate lava cake.

Let’s face it: you won’t say no if someone offers a burger after dessert.

You can still have fries and ice cream, even though you gave up the good stuff.

The hunger during pregnancy is real and doesn’t care if you have already eaten. The baby needs to eat more! You’re telling yourself this when you order another side of onion fries.

3. If Your Brain Leaves You with No Forwarding Address

Baby brain isn’t a cute way to explain why you forgot where you parked the car or how you got into the kitchen. This is a mental fog that has settled in and continues to stay.

You will start a sentence, but completely forget what you are trying to say. You may walk into the same room three times without realising that your phone is right in front of you. You lose your vocabulary, you lose focus, and start writing notes such as “Buy…that thing we need for our baby?” The small squishy item?

Heaven help you if your job requires concentration, or worse, public speaking. Your brain might suddenly take a coffee break while you are presenting. It doesn’t return for at least five years.

Baby brain is very true. We don’t like being sneered at by people who have never been pregnant, and believe it’s just hormones. Try growing a pancreas as you answer emails, sir.

4. If eating French fries makes you feel like you’re playing Russian Roulette with heartburn

You’ve said goodbye to espresso, red wine and everything else that was fun. You are just trying to get through your day and sneak in some chocolate or golden fries.

But oh no. The baby has different plans.

Your esophagus suddenly rebels, and you feel like your chest is on fire. Chocolate? Betrayal. Fries? A mistake. You may wonder why you can’t eat a banana without feeling sick.

Heartburn is a frequent visitor, an uninvited companion at every meal. It doesn’t matter how many antacids you have taken. The tiny person in your uterus is enjoying playing with stomach acid.

5. When you’re constantly torn between hydration and not peeing every 6.4 minutes

Everyone tells you to “stay hydrated!” Everyone says, “It’s important for your baby!” They’re right. Hydration is essential.

But so too is not running to the bathroom every ten minutes.

You become a woman’s waterfall when you are pregnant. Your bladder sends an SOS before you even reach the sink. What about the urgency? The urgency is never subtle. You can be fine one second, and then run like your life is on the line the next.

In the middle of a meeting or conference? Good luck. How long is your car trip? You should have checked out all the public toilets on your map. You’re trying to nap, right? Your bladder will now be your alarm clock.

Hydrated? Yes. Well-rested? Not a chance.

6. When you’re in the middle of a story and your baby delivers a roundhouse kick to your ribs

You’re finally at a party and telling your hilarious story of how you accidentally fell asleep while doing prenatal yoga.

Then, BAM!

A kick. A kick to the ribcage. It knocks you out.

You gasp. You flinch. You forget your name for a moment. You’re not being dramatic at all. You’re hunched over in your joke because your child has just kicked you in your internal organs.

Thanks, baby. Perfect timing.

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7. You may be surprised to discover muscles you didn’t know you had when carrying a watermelon.

Your bump will reach epic proportions at some point in pregnancy. The bump is no longer cute. It’s now “Oh wow! Are you sure that’s the only one inside?”

Each day is a balancing act. Literally. Dropping something on the floor is a common occurrence. Forget it. You can now forget about it.

You feel pain in your back. Your hips creak. Your inner thighs are like they have been to boot camp. You develop a new appreciation for chairs that provide lumbar support, and heating pads that wrap around your lower back like a warm embrace.

Don’t get me started about trying to get out of bed. It’s not just a simple movement–it involves a series of movements that include rolling, heaving and grunting, sometimes like a stuck Walrus.

What would you not give for a good foot rub? Or a crane.

8. If you can’t keep your eyes open on the train home

Pregnancy fatigue does not mean just being tired. It’s soul-deep tired. You’re the kind of tired that makes you want to fall asleep in a line. You fantasise about napping the same way people fantasise about beach vacations.

It’s not a coincidence that pregnant women often drift off in public transport with their hands on their bellies and a bag full of crackers on their lap. This body is on overtime. The body is building bones. It’s forming organs. Making eyelashes. You just want to take a long nap so you can wake up feeling human again.

I wish someone would invent a maternity mattress that follows you everywhere.

9. When Your Boobs Are Uninvited Stars in the Show

Let’s talk boobs.

They are growing. They hurt. They change colour. Then, just as you adjust to their new Dolly Parton status, they begin to leak.

In a meeting, you’re trying to act professional when, suddenly, splotch. Your once-crisp blouse now features two suspicious damp circles. You didn’t request this attention. You didn’t ask for this attention. We are here.

You try to laugh at it. You know deep down that your boobs now have their agenda. Now they belong to the child. You are just a middleman.

What do you think? Or is it a Weirdly Beautiful Takeover?

Pregnancy can be strange. It is awe-inspiring and exhausting. Sometimes it’s even funny. You can be amazed at the miracles of life, and then start crying because you dropped a granola.

You may feel as if your body has been taken over by a powerful, tiny being.

Here’s a twist

We love it despite all the pain, heartburn, fatigue, brain fog and bladder betrayals.

Even in those moments when it feels overwhelming or intrusive, something is growing. What about that little being dancing on our livers? The takeover is worth every second.

Even if sushi is still banned.