“You’re joking, right?!” Murphy’s Law for new mums

New mother with baby on her shoulder

Being a new mum is one of life’s toughest jobs. Not only have our bodies been put through the wringer, but we have to function on next-to-no sleep and have the titanic responsibility of a delicate human life on our hands. Despite all this, life has a tendency not to give new mums a break. In fact, Murphy’s Law dictates that “if it can go wrong, it will go wrong”, and when it comes to life with a new baby – does it ever!

When baby doesn’t get with the sleep program

Your precious baby, who you’ve been trying unsuccessfully to get to sleep all day, finally nods off as you pull into the preschool car park to collect your eldest. Because the perfect time for baby to sleep is when a hyped-up three-year-old is in the car, bouncing a rubber ball on his head, right?

When you get the chance to sleep – but the world has other ideas

The day your beloved partner says those magical words, “Sleep in; I’ll get the baby up,” will be the morning your neighbours on the left decide to mow the lawn, and your neighbour on the right has his stereo on full volume as he washes his car. You swear you’ll never talk to them again. Then they’ll bring you a gift for your newborn and you have to smile through gritted teeth.

When baby makes it LOUD

Because the moment that baby will choose to fully test his shiny new vocal chords will be coincide perfectly with entering the quiet, respectful zones of the local library or doctor’s office.

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And even when they’re quiet

Nanna, who has been watching baby for you while you were out, will regale you with their adorable antics: cooing, expressing and chuckling. You whip out your camera only to find that the performance is over. And it was a one-time event.

When there’s a very good risk of public humiliation

Because the day you duck out alone to the store without wearing breast pads will surely be the same day the checkout is full of crying babies: #leakyboobs.

When you had one thing to buy

You head out to the shops to buy nappies. When there, you buy balsamic vinegar, baby wipes, a travel mirror and gherkins (never forget the gherkins!). And next thing you know, you’re back home again – without the nappies. Too bad a gherkin can’t do double duty.

When you thought you’d risk travelling light

After days and days of constipation, baby will finally relieve himself (while you are third in line at the bank and everyone can smell it) on the very same morning you didn’t top up the nappy bag. Or the pram.

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And when you remember that “personal hygiene” applies to you too

The day you make a little extra effort to look presentable, having a shower and wearing a fresh set of clothes after a week spent wearing the same trackies, baby spews all over you. When you’ve scrounged something else to wear amongst a neglected pile of laundry, baby will promptly spew on you again.

There are times when new mums can feel as though every little thing goes awry. But ladies, take comfort in the fact that you’re certainly not alone, and those delicious baby smiles and cuddles will more than make up for the many hiccups along the way.

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