LOL. Sob. Ever found yourself hopeless with frustration as your kiddo refuses yet another lovingly-prepared meal? You are not alone, dear parent. Nope.
“I’m tired of dinner”
Author Bunmi Laditan, creator of The Honest Toddler, had some thoughts and feelings about feeding kids too. Not only will they make you feel a little less alone on the dinnertime battleground, she takes things further, coming up with an excellent-yet-slightly-impossible sanity-saving solution.
Posting to her Facebook page, the funny mum cut right to the chase:
“I’m tired of dinner. It is absolutely insane that every night, mothers and fathers are forced to waste their life force trying to convince their seed to CONTINUE LIVING via the ingestion of essential nutrients.”
Bunmi points out that this feeding time fussing is peculiar to the mammals humans grow, wondering perhaps how evolution dealt parents this tricky blow.
“You don’t see baby koalas and buffalo rejecting their bamboo and savanna grass do you? You don’t see little toddler alligators talking about, “Mama, this gazelle is too stringy. It’s hot. Mama the blood is hot. It’s hot, mama. Can you blow on it even though I too am capable of blowing?” You don’t hear baby seagulls asking how many more bites of sewer garbage they have to eat until they can go shit on a sunbather. No. It’s just human children.”
Alright guys, I'm gonna get real with you for a second. I haven't gotten real with you in awhile, y'all know I've been…
Other parents knelt before Bunmi, from the comfort of their own living rooms/school pick-ups, thanking her for broaching a subject that often has them strolling the supermarket aisles in bewildered indecision.
“The worst is when they love something last week and this week, won’t even touch it. And you had the gall to CELEBRATE last week, to buy MORE of it at the grocery… Now, you just sit there, full plate in hand and wonder “whaaaaa happened?” one mum posted.
“Sweet baby Jesus, YES! How is it that my youngest darling *who am I kidding?* asks for a hamburger EVERY DAMN DAY for lunch from whichever fast food chain we drive by, but when I have the genius idea to make hamburgers for dinner, with all the fixins, this little spawn of hell if I know, screams and cries that she doesn’t like “house hamburgers”. The hell?! Wtf is wrong with “house hamburgers”?” another implored.
“Oh, but when the poison is on Mommy’s plate, suddenly it’s the nectar of life and they can’t live without it. Dude. I just gave you the same thing. Seriously. Same. Damn. Thing. On your plate. That you weren’t hungry for less than 30 seconds ago. And God help me if you ask me for a snack 5 minutes before bedtime…ohhh, it is on,” a third said, painting her game face with stripes of bitter regret.
Some felt our children have been trolling us from the get-go and they must be stopped at all costs before they dominate the world and banish us to the badlands:
“That kid will literally eat $100 in sushi but will ask “what’s this green thing?” if one tiny piece of iceburg lettuce is mixed in with her cheese on taco night. How does she SEE that?! And why don’t you eat it? It tastes like nothing. It tastes like “crunchy.” That lettuce’s flavor is literally JUST A SOUND!! Yet, raw fish is cool?!” A mother whose life-force has been cruelly robbed from her by a tiny sushi lover said.
“Shut the (I love God) up”
Of course, we are huge fans of this mum, but not everybody will agree with Bunmi’s tough but fair sentiment.
As a seasoned inhabitant of the internet, Bunmi cleverly anticipated some adverse responses to her post from the “perfect parent” brigade.
She had things to say to those parents, too…
For those that say…
“Just wait them out, then.” GENIUS. I’ll just sit at the table with one sobbing kid while the other two fend for themselves (i.e. fight to the death).”
For those that say…
“I never had this problem.” GOOD. Then go sit in the corner with your anomaly while the rest of us brainstorm. First rule of parenting: If you don’t relate to a struggle, shut the (I love God) up. Just shut it right up.”
For those that say…
“Just send them to bed without eating.” Hilarious. I like sleeping. It agrees with me.”
Hose the whole thing down
Bunmi know that you can elevate the discussion of a problem, by inviting a solution. She had her own potential fix and it went like this:
“We as parents need to come together. Rather than feeding our children individually in our own homes, we need to nourish them at giant picnic tables in the street sitting side by side, too distracted by each other’s presence to realize they’re eating. Screw traffic- every night at 6PM, we set up the collapsible tables and do it orphanage-style: handing out sandwiches and apple slices and then hosing down the kids with dish soap (bath time) and calling it a night. Success.”
Some felt Bunmi’s orphanage-slash-hose solution had its flaws…
“Sandwiches and Apple slices? Too spicy! I know i specifically asked for this exact thing cut this exact way but it’s much too spicy for my two year old palate. Perhaps some ice cream is more reasonable,” Lol’ed one strung-out mum, through her crazy-lady tears of frustration.
Bunmi laughed and laughed at that response, pointing the finger squarely where it belongs and remaining hopeful that the culprit will be brought to justice.
“I don’t hate my kids. I hate dinner time,” she explained. “Dinner time is some ultimate bullshit and I’m TIRED of it.”
As we blow, remove crusts, triangle-cut and/or carefully peel our children’s meals, we can only agree.