13 probably impossible things all parents are hoping for in the year ahead

Christmas toddler

With the ending of 2016 comes a new beginning. 2017 is a fresh page and right now, the possibilities are limitless.  Here are 13 things we wish for all of the parents everywhere in the coming year.

1. Committed socks that survive the washing cycle, together

Socks are like married couples: only the most robust will survive the cycle of life.  In this house, matched socks go into the washing machine, but matched socks don’t always come out. In the new year, I wish for robust pairs that stay together through the turmoil and torment of the washing cycle.

2. One dinner that gets eaten by everyone

Just one dinner. For everyone. I wish this for all mothers, everywhere. A family that sits down to dinner with the same thing on all of their plates, and not one person who says: ‘I don’t like (insert name of tonight’s dinner here)’ We mothers are simple folk with very simple needs.

Five words: Eat. What. You. Are. Given.

3. Kids who sleep until 7am

Let’s face it, 7am is a good day. Anything beyond 7am is just pure fantasy so let’s keep it real. 7am every morning makes the days and weeks do-able for everyone.

4. Bedlam free bedtime

Just once I would like bedtime to progress and bring itself to completion without the shrill sound of my own voice shouting: “FOR GOD’S SAKE IT’S BEDTIME!!” No last minute requests for drinks, no sudden need to discuss why the sky is blue, no never-ending, cloying round-the-neck cuddles, no OCD to-and-fro about how wide the door should be left open. It’s bedtime, adults LIVE FOR bedtime.

May everyone’s kids just embrace it in the coming year and appreciate it for what it is: a chance to lie down and stop moving.

5. Kids who want to get in the bath

Followed closely by kids who want to get out of the bath without a monster meltdown.

6. Shoes, two of them that match … at the time of leaving the house

If shoes did not go mysteriously missing at the time of departure any time we leave the house, this family would never be late. Ever.

(Notwithstanding the last minute dash to do a giant bog that my children also seem to be partial to upon being told “It’s time to go!”)

7. A self-cleaning high chair

A self-cleaning oven is all very well, but what we really need is a self-cleaning high chair. Ain’t nobody wants to take on the sludge and mush of that thing themselves.

8. The invention of an origami stroller

I think this has already been invented somewhere but we need it ON THE MARKET RIGHT NOW: a stroller that folds up to the size of a small pizza box and fits inside a small corner of the boot of your car so as to leave plenty of room for all the other sh** you have to cart around when you have a toddler.

9. Bedtime stories with very few words

Bedtime stories are a special time to bond with your child, unless the stories are very long and involve lots of words to read. Pop up books with one line per page are every mother’s dream.

10. Nappies on special

And I mean the good nappies, the top shelf gear. (I think we all know which ones I mean.) I want those on special in GIANT BOXES  for all of the mothers in 2017.

11. Ingenious storage solutions for the ‘not-quite-big-enough-for-all-of-us’ home

Show me a woman who has enough room to store all her family’s stuff and I’ll show you a woman who is breathing rarified air.  When you have small children, there is simply never enough storage space for anything: cots, travel cots, baby clothes you have to keep just in case, playpens, toys you have to keep just in case, safety gates, trikes and bikes, bike helmets, scooters, the giant box of nappies that you just bought on special.  It’s the STUFF. All of the STUFF that undoes us.

12. Regular child-free ‘holidays’ to the supermarket

A trip to the supermarket with toddler and baby in two is pure hell. A trip to the supermarket, solo, with all the time in the world to peruse the shelves and maybe stand in the “family underwear” aisle and pretend it’s a clothes shop, is PURE HEAVEN.

May all of the mothers experience this simple pleasure at regular intervals throughout 2017.

13. World peace and a cure for nits

Seriously, it’s nits we need a cure for. Whoever solves that clusterf*** will be every mother’s hero.

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